Clean Out Of Common Sense

(A caller is complaining that there is something wrong with her computer when she tries to access the internet. I run through the usual diagnostics, but nothing seems to help. I have already been put on probation for letting my calls go over seven minutes, and I am eager to get this call completed.)

Me: “Ma’am, before we proceed, I’m going to need you to defrag your computer and when it’s completed, call us back to finish the procedure.”

Customer: “What does ‘derag’ mean?”

Me: It’s a maintenance task that’s basically cleaning up your computer. I can walk you—”

Customer: “Okay, thanks!” *hangs up*

(I assume we’ve been disconnected, so I call the customer back to finish the call.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, we seemed to have been cut off—”

Customer: “Oh don’t worry about it! You’ve been most helpful.”

Me: “I thought I should call you back and walk you through defragging your hard drive.”

Customer: “That’s very kind of you, but I already started to…” *giggles* “…defrag my computer!”

Me: “Okay. In that case, when the computer is finished, call us back and we can see if that did the trick. It should take a few hours at least—”

Customer: “Oh, it won’t take THAT long. The rinse cycle should be done in a half hour.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “My dishwasher has an efficiency setting. Though I admit, it was difficult getting the computer in there.”

Me: “You put your computer in the DISHWASHER?”

Customer: “Well, it was too big to put in the sink.”

(At this point, I had no idea what to do. I told the customer that I would document the conversation in our logs, and she could call back for further technical support. Then I closed down my station and told my supervisor that I was sick and had to go home. He was doubled over with laughter, having listened to my calls. The call logs made their way around my shift-mates, who hung a ‘Dry Clean Only’ sign on my station. The upside is I was never bothered about my call time again.)