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  • Stop, Drop & Service The Customer

    | Bournemouth, UK |

    (The fire alarm began to go off, and an old woman came up to my counter.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave the store, there appears to be a fire upstairs.”

    Customer: “But I want to buy these shoes…”

    Me: “If the fire is contained then you can come back in and buy them later.”

    Customer: “Can you check if you have them in my size?”

    Me: “That’s where the fire is – can you please leave the building now? It’s dangerous to be in here!”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous, all I want you to do is check if you have it in my size!”

    Me: “So let me get this straight: you want me to go upstairs into a burning part of the building, to see if we have some shoes in your size, which are probably currently on fire?”

    Customer: “Is that so much to ask?”

    Me: “Get out.”

    The Fine Art Of Firing A Customer

    | Fremont, CA, USA | Top

    (A friend of mine who manages a self storage facility has a troublemaking customer that he has been trying to get rid of. One day, the customer comes up asking about a promotional offer.)

    Customer: “Hi, I saw on your website that you have storage for $100, but I’m paying $130.”

    Manager: “Yeah, that’s a promotional rate.”

    Customer: “Well, can I get that rate?”

    Manager: “I can’t just change people’s rates. It’s only for new customers to that space.”

    Customer: “Well, can I just move into that storage?”

    Manager: “You can’t just move it from one storage to the other and get the new rate. You would have to have everything out because I can’t vacate it until it’s empty.”

    Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll move this Saturday.”

    (The customer moves out the following Saturday, gets everything loaded into their truck then stops by the office.)

    Customer: “Alright, I moved everything out of my storage.”

    Manager: “That’s great. Now, get out.”

    Customer: “What? Can I get that other storage?”

    Manager: “Well, I looked at your past history with the company and you’ve been consistently late and rude to other customers. I’m afraid we’re going to deny the new rental. My manager wouldn’t let me evict you but you moved out yourself, so everything’s good.”

    Customer: “But I have all my things taken off the property! Where am I going to put them?”

    Manager: “Anywhere but here.”

    Rage Against The Earless Machine

    , | Hilliard, OH, USA |

    (I overheard this conversation between a self checkout machine and a customer.)

    Self checkout machine: “Please take your items.”

    Customer: “DON’T TELL ME WHAT THE F*** TO DO! WHAT? DO YOU THINK I’M STUPID? YOU THINK I’M JUST GOING TO LEAVE MY S*** HERE?!”

    There’s More Where That Came From… Usually

    | Virginia, USA | Extra Stupid

    Customer: “I’m looking for a book on Ronald Reagan.”

    Me: “OK, well, that would be right here in the American history section.”

    Customer: “It’s a particular book, one with transcripts of all his speeches. I’ve seen it here before.”

    (I spend at least 15 minutes exhaustively searching the shelves to find the book, with no luck.)

    Me: “It seems we don’t have it. If you’d like, I can write it down and call you if we get another copy in.”

    Customer: “That’s impossible. You always had it right here.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, someone must have bought it.”

    Customer: *exasperated* “I know. I’m the one who bought it.”

    If You Can’t Stand The Heat, Get Out Of The Solar System

    | Valencia, CA, USA |

    (This exchange happened while I was taking tickets at the entrance to the park.)

    Customer: “You have a very serious problem with your lines.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, what was the problem?”

    Customer: “I have been standing out here for twenty minutes in the sun waiting to get into the park. You need to do something about that sun…turn it down or something.”

    Me: “Ma’am…I’m very sorry you were uncomfortable, but I really have no control over the sun.”

    Customer: “You can’t just turn it down? Who can I talk to around here to get something done about this?”

    Me: “You can go talk to Human Resources, ma’am… but I really don’t think they’ll be able to control the sun either.”

    Customer: *storms off*

    Customer #2: *walking up* “So…what’s it like controlling the weather?”

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