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    It’s Not Exactly SAT Vocabulary

    | Saginaw, Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hi welcome to [coffee shop]! What can I get started for you today?”

    Drive-through customer: “I want a mo-CHA.”

    Me: “What size?”

    Customer: “The middle one.”

    Me: “Okay, did you want that hot or iced?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Did you want that hot or iced?”

    Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re asking. Why are you asking me so many questions? Why can’t you just make my drink?”

    Me: “I just need to know if you want it hot or iced.”

    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “What’s the difference between hot and iced?”

    Me: “About a hundred and thirty degrees?”

    Customer: “Oh… hot!”

    (Of course, when she gets up to the window it turns out she wanted an iced blended mocha.)

    Might We Suggest Some Buckets

    | Saint John, NB, Canada |

    Tech Support: “Thank you for calling ****. This is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh my God, my water pipes burst open over my server room! What the h*** do I do?!”

    Tech Support: “Your office water pipes burst over your server room?”

    Customer: “Yes! What the h*** do I do?!”

    Tech Support: “Call the fire department! Why are you calling me?!”

    Your Infrastructure Dollars At Work

    | Lee's Summit, MO, USA |

    (Late at night, a customer comes to register with a tall bottle of whiskey and off-brand cola.)

    Me: “Do you have your [customer] card?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I got it right here on my cell phone. You see, I gotta have my phone on me at all times in case the boss calls, I got the keys to heavy machinery.”

    Me: “Oh yeah?”

    Customer: “You know how much fun it is to drive a bulldozer when you’re sober? IMAGINE THAT WHILE YOU’RE DRUNK!”

    The Land Of Surf, Sun And Time Dilation

    | Ohio, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****, this is ****, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like to place an order.”

    Me: “I’d be happy to do that for you, however our ordering system is down. If you’d like to call back in 15 minutes, someone can help you with that.”

    Customer: “OK, so is it 15 minutes Hawaii time, or your time?”

    Me: “No…just 15 minutes…I’m pretty sure that’s the same no matter where you are, ma’am.”

    Customer: “Oh! OK, thanks.”

    From Zero to Stupid In 10 Seconds

    | Dallas, TX, USA | Top

    Customer: “Hi, I just brought this machine. I hooked it up as per the manual and it won’t turn on.”

    Me: “Did you plug it in?”

    Customer: “Of course. I’m not an idiot.”

    Me: “Did you turn off the surge-master?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “Double-checked all the wires?”

    Customer: “For God’s sake, YES! It was fairly simple; it’s all color-coded. You’d have to be a moron to make a mistake.”

    Me: “OK…why don’t you tell me what you did?”

    Customer: “I unpacked it, plugged all the wires in, and then plugged it into my outlet.”

    Me: “Then?”

    Customer: “Then I put the accelerator on the floor and stepped on it.”

    Me: “…ma’am, there is no accelerator on your computer…”

    Customer: “Yes there is! It’s that thing that has two buttons on either side, and that little wheel on the bottom!”

    (In case it wasn’t obvious, she had stepped on the mouse.)

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