Zero Percent Chance Of That Working
I’m supervising the self-checkouts on a fairly quiet evening when a group of three lads comes in. They look about sixteen, but they’re doing that teenage thing where they’re trying to project confidence. I notice one of them has a four-pack of beer in his basket. I also notice his friend is carrying the alcohol-free version of the exact same beer.
They reach a self-checkout and begin whispering.
I’m standing about ten feet away. They apparently believe the bright supermarket uniform gives me camouflage.
[Teenager #1] scans the alcohol-free beer, while [Teenager #2] places the alcoholic version in the bag in the bagging area.
The checkout immediately flashes up an age-approval prompt. All three freeze.
Teenager #1: “What?!”
Teenager #2: “Why’s it asking for ID?!”
Teenager #3: “It’s alcohol-free!”
They stare accusingly at the machine as the red assistance light starts flashing, so I walk over.
Me: “Hi. What’s the problem?”
Teenager #2: “It’s asking for age approval, but this is alcohol-free.”
Me: “Yep. We still age-restrict alcohol-free beer.”
Teenager #1: “But there’s no alcohol in it!”
Me: “Store policy. I’ll need to see ID.”
There is a long silence.
Teenager #2: “We don’t have any.”
Me: “Okay, then I can’t approve it.”
Teenager #3: “But it’s not even real beer!”
Me: “Then you won’t mind leaving it behind.”
I reach for the alcohol-free pack. [Teenager #1] instinctively moves his basket away from me. Unfortunately for him, this gives me an excellent view of the four-pack of actual beer in the bagging area, which he had been trying to block from me earlier.
I look at it.
He looks at me.
I look at the alcohol-free beer on the scanner.
He looks at his friends.
Me: “Ah.”
Teenager #1: “That’s—”
Me: “The alcoholic version of the exact same beer?”
Teenager #1: “No.”
I pick up the alcohol-free pack and hold it next to the one in their bagging area.
Me: “Remarkable coincidence, then.”
Teenager #2: “That’s not ours.”
Me: “It’s in your bagging area. It’s already in one of your bags.”
Teenager #2: “We weren’t buying it.”
Me: “No, I gathered that. You were buying this one and then swapping it for that one.”
Teenager #3: “We weren’t gonna do that.”
Me: “Excellent. Then I’ve prevented you from doing something you weren’t going to do.”
I take both packs.
Teenager #1: “Can we still buy the other stuff?”
Me: “Absolutely.”
Their other stuff consists of two bags of crisps, a frozen pizza, and a multipack of energy drinks. I clear the age prompt for the beer I took away (and again for the energy drinks when the purchase continues).
Teenager #2: *Surly.* “It’s so stupid! If it’s alcohol-free, why does it still need approval?”
Me: *Walking away.* “Many reasons, one being to prevent teenagers from accidentally buying the real thing, like you boys were just about to. Good thing I saved you, eh?”
They all walk out, surly and disappointed. Don’t worry, lads, plenty of time for you to drink s***ty beer in the near future…
