Yup, He Made It Weird

I work odd hours and as such sleep odd hours, so I have a large sign on my door that says, “No Soliciting! — SERIOUSLY! — Don’t ring the bell. — Don’t make it weird.”

It’s cute, it has a mustache, and it keeps 95% of everyone away, so I have a secondary sticker next to my doorbell that says, “DO NOT KNOCK, RING, OR SCREAM unless you want me to call 911.” It helps keep that extra little percentage away. 

Cue doorbell. I answer the door in pajamas at 4:00 pm as I didn’t get to sleep until 2:00 pm. This guy is there with a clipboard and no mask, standing way too close to my door; thankfully, my outer door is all glass so it makes a good shield. 

He starts going on about how I need a lawn service and he can help me, as I can’t take care of it myself; my yard is nothing but weeds without a blade of grass in sight. Would I like to sign up for lawn care? (For my dead lawn?)

Me: “Umm, sorry, I missed your name.”

Lawn Dude: “Oh, sorry. [Lawn Dude].”

Me: “Hi, [Lawn Dude]. To double-check, can you read?”

Lawn Dude: “Um… read?”

Me: “Yes, read… like words?”

Lawn Dude: “Yes, I went to [College].”

Me: “Oh, good.”

I point to the sign and the sticker.

Me: “Can you read those? And have a nice day.”

I shut the door and started to walk away when I heard [Lawn Dude] cursing about what a b**** I am and how I wasted all of his time and where I could stick it. 

Maybe I need to get another sign?