You’ve Got An Honest Signature

(One day, a courier came in to drop off a check. I was using one of our pens to sign it.)

Courier: “Hey, that’s a really nice pen!”

Me: “Yeah, it’s not bad.”

Courier: “Don’t worry, though. I’m not going to steal it!”

Me: “Ha… okay…”

Courier: “No, for real. I don’t steal things.”

Me: “That’s… good?”

(By now I’ve finished signing, but she isn’t leaving.)

Courier: “My best friend once accused me of stealing her check. Her $300 check!”

Me: “Um… that’s too bad.”

Courier: “We aren’t friends anymore. I mean, I make that much money in a DAY! You hear me?! I drive around MILLION-dollar checks. Why would I steal her stupid tiny check?”

Me: “I don’t know…”

Courier: “I let her move into my basement. I told her it was only $500 a month. Isn’t that a great deal? Isn’t it?!”

Me: “Yeah, sounds good…”

Courier: “And how does the little b**** thank me? She accuses me of stealing her money! When I can steal ANYBODY’S million-dollar checks! So you know what I told her? I told her to get the f*** out of my basement!”

Me: “…”

Courier: “Now I hear she’s on drugs. What a winner. Not like you. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. You wouldn’t accuse me of stealing, would you?”

Me: “Um… no.”