You’ve Bean Naughty, And Now It’s Time For Payback

I am known to purchase the giant jar of JellyBellies from a warehouse chain. It’s a very reasonable price. I take them to work with me. I don’t mind people coming in and shaking out a handful. But I have a coworker who badmouths me behind my back, always wants in on lunch runs, and always promises to get us next time and therefore never actually pays. She regularly comes in and takes a whole mug full of JellyBellies without asking permission — or even saying hi — and makes it clear that she hates me but loves the JellyBelly supply. I had to take action.

We are both early morning people, so there is usually an hour or so with nobody but the two of us in the office, so I knew there would be no innocent victims.

You can buy a box of the JellyBelly game, which contains an assortment of beans that come in identical pairs. One has a good flavor and one flavor is horrible: is that bean coconut or rotten eggs? Will you get soap, earthworm, dishwater, or booger? In the game, you spin a spinner and eat whatever color it tells you to eat, and you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting a good flavor or a nasty one. It’s actually a fun game — among friends.

However, this did not involve a friend, so I happily bought a box of the nasty mix and dumped it into the jar. There were only one or two inches of beans left in the bottom, so this was a sacrifice I was willing to make. And then I waited.

I left my office for a bit, came back, and saw that there were significantly fewer beans left. Perfect.

About ten minutes later, I heard a wonderful cacophony of gagging, retching, and utterances of disgust, accompanied by what sounded suspiciously like something being spit into the trash can down the hall. With said trash can having a hint of a whiff of rotten egg. With a cup of uneaten JellyBelly added to the top of the trash.

The remainder of the jug went into my own trash can. A new stash was purchased, and for the past two weeks, I have noticed that it is not draining as quickly as it used to.

That particular coworker hasn’t said a word to me since — not that she was actually talking to me before, but at least now she isn’t mooching off of somebody she hates.