When You’re Planning On Dating Sheldon Cooper
(I am sat next to my male colleague, who I’m quite good friends with. I’m female and have recently realised I’m bi. I am complaining to him about my new discovery that I am terrible at chatting up women, when I realise that he has a girlfriend and ask him for tips. Note that we’re both lawyers. We chat for a bit about what he used to do and then…)
Colleague: “I think now… Okay, so, I guess if it was now, you’d want to just talk to her. And then you agree that it’s exclusive, so you know the terms you stand on.”
Me: “Are you suggesting I make her sign an exclusivity agreement?”
Colleague: “Bring it on the first date.”
Me: “That’ll go down well.”
Colleague: “Make sure you include all the relevant warranties.”
Me: “To the best of my knowledge and belief, I am not dating anyone else?”
Colleague: “Schedule five contains a list of all former relationships.”
Me: “A list of all ex-lovers who might want to kill me.”
Colleague: “Let’s go for material relationships; that’ll do it.”
Me: “Do I stick indemnities in there, as well? Like, in the event of a break up, you will indemnify me for the cost of all gifts over a certain amount?”
Colleague: “Couldn’t hurt. You see, this will be very romantic.”
Me: “Yup. Do we have to give notice to terminate?”
Colleague: “No, we’ll go for at-will.”
Me: “Very American. Also sensible.”
Colleague: “Oh, but in the event of a material breach…”
Me: “You have to remedy within ten days?”
Colleague: “Yes!”
Me: “You know, when I asked you for help, I wasn’t expecting you to advise I bring a 100-page legal document with me.”
Colleague: “Well, it could just be heads of terms. So, not binding.”
Me: “Like a lesser version of a prenup?”
Colleague: “If you keep adding terms, though, you know what it’ll be?”
Me: “…what?”
Colleague: “A relationship agreement!”
Me: “…”
Colleague: “What?”
Me: “That’s terrible.”
Colleague: “It’s true, though. It’s an agreement that governs the relationship between two parties. A relationship agreement!”
Me: “This is the last time I ask you for advice on dating.”
(For the record, the other lawyers sitting around us slowly edged away during this conversation…)
Related:
Dating Sheldon Cooper, Part 15
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