You’re Gonna Want Popcorn For This One, Folks

I am a wedding photographer. Usually, my wife comes along and assists me, but for this wedding, she says she has plans to go home and visit with her parents. When I get there, the groom keeps looking at me with an odd expression. I figure he is just nervous, so I do my job without comment.

At the reception, he approaches me.

Groom: “Hey, thanks for coming out today.”

Me: “No problem. Thanks for the work!” *Laughs*

Groom: “So, your last name is [My Last Name], right?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Groom: “Do you know [Wife]?”

Me: “Yeah, she’s my wife.”

Groom: “Oh. I thought you might be related. Is she here?”

Me: “Oh. Um… She usually comes along but she was busy today. Did you guys go to school together?”

Groom: “No, no. We dated a few years ago, right before [Bride] and I got together.”

Me: *Awkwardly* “Oh, okay. I don’t think she’s ever mentioned you.”

Groom: “Yeah, it was, like, five years ago. No big deal.”

The DJ calls the groom to the dance floor.

Groom: “Anyway, thanks for coming out!”

I finish the reception and go home to find my wife sitting on the couch, watching TV.

Wife: “Hi, honey. How was the wedding?”

Me: “It went well. The bride was beautiful. The groom was [Groom].”

My wife goes very still.

Wife: “Oh, that’s nice.”

Me: “Yeah. You know, it’s so weird… He said you dated five years ago.”

Wife: *Laughs nervously* “He’s obviously confused. I wasn’t even there!”

Me: “He asked about you by name.”

Wife: “Well—”

Me: “Get the f*** out of my house.”

We had a long, loud argument about her affair. Apparently, the groom knew my name because they were still in touch, and my wife hadn’t really gone home to her parents; she just didn’t want to be at the wedding and risk seeing him. Our divorce was finalized as soon as legally possible and I have zero contact with her.