You’re The Gluten That Binds The Family Together

, , | Related | August 18, 2017

(My family and I are sitting in the garden having a barbecue. My father is celiac, meaning that giving him gluten is the equivalent of laying his intestines out on a road of broken glass and going over it with a steam roller. He has just finished cooking some gluten-free burgers.)

Me: *coughs* “These aren’t very pleasant.”

Dad: *laughs* “Of course not! They’re celiac. It’s not celiac if it doesn’t get stuck in your craw.”

Me: “Dude, your life f****** sucks.”

Dad: “I know. It’s gotten to the point now that if I’m eating something nice I have to look at the box to double-check.” *recreates a suspicious look*

Mum: “I can’t believe people who aren’t celiac eat this. Put something else on.”

(She chucks what is left of her burger on the ground for the dog.)

Dad: “Nope! If I have to suffer, you have to suffer with me.”

Me: *quoting someone I don’t remember* “I once knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, rich food, and sex. He was healthy until the day he killed himself.”

(The dog then interrupts us by hacking in the corner, eventually sicking up the burger.)

Dad: “Well if the Labrador can’t stomach it, maybe I shouldn’t eat it either.”

Me: “If the Labrador can’t eat it, I think it technically counts as bio-waste.”

(The dog is fine.)


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