When You’re Drunk, Everything Is Vegan
(I’m waiting in line for a pizza stand behind a pair of customers. Both of them appear to have one too many drinks in them. They are there to get dinner for their friend.)
Customer #1: “I think he’ll like the pepperoni pizza.”
Customer #2: “Yeah, but it has to be vegetarian. Do you know if pepperoni is vegetarian?”
Customer #1: “I don’t know. It might be.”
(They continue this discussion of whether or not pepperoni is vegetarian until they get to the front of the line.)
Customer #1: *to vendor* “Excuse me, is the pepperoni vegetarian?”
Vendor: “No, it is not.”
Customer #1: “Okay, I’ll have a slice of cheese, then.”
Vendor: “I’m sorry but we’re all out of cheese.”
Customer #1: “My friend is a strict vegan, so he can’t have pepperoni. Do you think it’ll be okay if I just take the pepperoni off?”
Vendor: “W—”
Customer #2: “Yeah! He won’t mind! If we take it all off and tell him it’s vegan, he should believe us!” *to vendor* “One slice of pepperoni pizza, please!”
Vendor: *brief pause* “Okay, that’ll be [price].”
(The friends pay and leave as I make my way to the front of the line.)
Me: *through laughter* “Do they know vegans can’t eat cheese, either?”
Vendor: “They’re about to find out!”