Your Work Ethic Is Crap

(Returning to my station after a large bathroom break.)

Manager: “Where have you been?!”

Me: “In the restroom. I told you I was taking a break.”

Manager: “Are you sure you were not just playing on your phone all that time?! How do I know what you were REALLY doing in there?!”

Me: *sighs, tired of her constantly questioning my work ethic* “Would you like a stool sample next time? Honestly, even if I WERE on my phone it wouldn’t matter as long as I was actually processing a bowel movement… Are you telling me that you don’t use your phone on your restroom breaks?”

Manager: “…How dare you!”

Me: “Yes, how dare me need to take a crap and check my texts at the same time. I am such a horrible worker. Can actually I get back to my job now?”

(Kicker? She took 30 minutes on her 15 minute break every day and smoked in the single stall bathroom even though it is a class A violation, but got on everyone else for minor infractions to cover her own butt.)