Your Relationship Has Been Uslurped

(I’m a regular at a coffee shop where I usually stop in after work to grab a drink and relax a little before heading home. Another regular who comes in slightly less often is a guy who slurps. A lot. Instead of waiting for his drink to cool down, he’ll open it up piping hot, slurp loudly off the rim, and after each sip make a loud exhale like he’s letting the heat out. He’ll do that until he finishes the whole drink, without pause. I’ve learned to always bring earphones and music. One evening he’s in there, slurping away, when a woman comes in and joins him at his table. They make small talk for a couple of minutes, and it’s pretty quiet in the shop so it’s not hard to hear them. Yes, I turn my music off and eavesdrop.)

Woman: “Hey, so…” *big sigh* “It’s been really nice getting to know you, and you’ve been really great, but I don’t think we should date anymore.”

Slurper: “Whoa, what? Why? What happened?”

Woman: “Well… honestly… I’ve found a behavior of yours that I just can’t appreciate or tolerate. In any way.”

Slurper: “I… Like what?”

Woman: *pause* “You slurp anything hot. Like your drink right now.”

Slurper: *after a long pause, chuckles* “Come on. You can’t be serious.”

Woman: “I am serious. I haven’t brought it up until now because it seemed petty and shallow, so I tried to just get over it. But then I thought about it and realized that anything that irritates me and grates at my ears to the point I want to punch you in the face isn’t petty or shallow at all. It’s a serious problem.”

Slurper: *still trying to play it off like it’s all a joke* “Okay, sure. You’re really going to break up with me for slurping a little bit when I drink. I mean, the drink’s hot! How else am I supposed to drink it?”

Woman: “With basic table manners every child learns. You could wait for it to cool down or blow on it to help, but then I’ve already told you this a dozen times, right? Look, I’m not asking you to change. I mean, I already have and you haven’t listened, and asking over and over is too exhausting. The bottom line is that I can’t date someone whose face I occasionally want to punch, no matter the reason why, and you shouldn’t want to date someone like that, either. It wouldn’t be right for either of us.”

Slurper: *starting to realize she is, in fact, serious* “You’re really breaking up with me over this.”

Woman: “Well, it’s not exactly a ‘break up.’ We’ve only been seeing each other for a couple of months. It’s not like we’re in a full relationship. That’s why I thought it best to do this now, before there was any more, you know, involvement or commitment.”

Slurper: *clearly didn’t see it that way, honestly looks sad* “I… I can’t believe this.”

Woman: “I’m sorry… It’s not that you’re not great overall. We’re just not the right fit for each other. I hope you find someone who can be happy with all of you, slurping habit included. You do deserve that.”

(The woman looked like she felt really bad, and the guy looked halfway stunned, halfway crushed. After an awkward moment, she said goodbye to him and left, and I silently applauded her on her way out. As someone who will have to keep dealing with his slurping, I hope he takes the cue to work on his table manners. Let this be a lesson to all of us: the little habits we build will absolutely affect our lives in the long run. Build good habits and good manners, kids!)