Your New Year’s Resolution Is To Have Good Vibrations

, , , , | Right | December 27, 2018

(It’s a few days after Christmas when I get a box in the mail with what seems like a slightly personal gift. I didn’t order anything, and there’s no note as to who the gift could be from, so I call Amazon’s customer service department to see if I can find out who sent it. For extra context, I’m a cisgender woman. After about ten minutes of verifying my account details, and generally being very professional, the customer service rep finally asks what the problem is.)

Customer Service Rep: “So, you received a box, and you don’t know what’s in it?”

(It sounds like she’s going to look up my account to view the last thing I ordered.)

Me: “No, I just didn’t order it, and I don’t know who sent it. I opened it, so I can tell you what’s in it.”

Customer Service Rep: “Okay, what is it?”

Me: “It’s a vibrator.”

Customer Service Rep: “A vibrator?!

Me: “Yes.”

Customer Service Rep: *hysterical laughter*

Me: “You can see why I want to find out who sent it, right?”

Customer Service Rep: “Wait. Are you single?”

Me: “Yes, and I live with my parents.”

Customer Service Rep: *more hysterical laughter* “Okay, let me check your account and see if you ordered anything like this.”

(She puts me on hold, but I can’t tell if she’s actually checking my account or if she just needed a minute to stop laughing. A minute or two later she comes back and I give her the shipping number. She looks it up, but she can’t find anything besides the warehouse it came from.)

Customer Service Rep: “Okay, well, it seems like this was just an accident, so you can dispose of the item or keep it or whatever you want. Wait, how old are you?”

Me: “21.”

Customer Service Rep: “Oh, good, so you’re the right age for this item. Ha! I’m 46; I could be your mom!” *laughs* “You’re not on the hook to return it, so you can keep it or dispose of it. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Me: *desperately wanting this call to be over* “Nope, that should be it. Thank you for all your help.”

Customer Service Rep: “Be sure to call back if you have any more questions, and have a great New Year!” *giggling as she hangs up*

(I guess a warehouse just accidentally sent me a vibrator. Merry Christmas to me!)

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