Your Gun Policy Is Quackers

(Because it is private property, this amusement park does not have to let guns onto the premises, even on off-duty police officers or others licensed to carry. A man is trying to get through the metal detectors with a gun. One of the security members at the gates stops him.)

Guest: “Hey, it’s okay; I’m a government official.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, but we can’t allow guns on the premises.”

Guest: “That’s unconstitutional!”

Coworker: “Actually, we’re private property and we can restrict firearms, same as a school could. Only on-duty police can bring in guns. If you’re concerned about your safety, we have armed on-duty police in the park at all times. We have our own force.”

Guest: “But I’m a government official! I can carry this!”

(My coworker looks skeptical.)

Coworker: “What kind of government official?”

Guest: *drawing himself up proudly* “Fish and wildlife!”

(It takes all the power of the security staff not to crack up right there. He continues badgering us for nearly an hour, eventually becoming angry, shouting, and throwing small objects at us, at which point we are allowed to threaten him with a ban. As he leaves:)

Coworker #2: “Don’t worry! If I see a duck in danger, I’ll be sure to call you!”