Your Car Is On The Highway To Hell

(I am a customer witnessing this epic exchange. My tire goes flat in rural Florida. I get it to what has to be the only shop in 50 miles. I sit down to wait while the shop owner talks to another customer getting an oil change.)

Customer: *looks through the window into the work bay* “Hey! I don’t want that [Religious Slur] working on my car.”

Owner: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I said, I don’t want that [Religious Slur] working on my car!”

Owner: *after a pause* “Well, you’re in luck. Today at [Auto Shop], we’re giving out free life lessons. Today’s lesson? Don’t piss off the man who owns the lift your car is sitting on top of.” *opens the window to the bay* “[Mechanic], drop the [Car].”

Customer: “Hey! What the h*** are you doing?”

Mechanic: “It’s not done, boss.”

Owner: “Drop it anyway and push it to a parking spot.” *closes window*

Owner: “You see, that is [Mechanic]. He’s worked with me for ten years. He’s my best and fastest guy on oil changes. Given how long he’s had your car, I can say with complete certainty that your vehicle doesn’t have a drop of oil in it. And it’s not going to… not from my shop.”

(The owner hands the customer a business card.)

Owner: “That’s the number for the only tow truck that doesn’t charge extra for coming out this far. But I’m not sure he can help you once I call him. His kids are in little league with [Mechanic]’s kids. Given how long it takes other tow companies, I’m going to give you 45 minutes to get your vehicle out of my parking lot. Then, I’m going to call the sheriff’s office. [Deputy] is on shift today and his mom plays bingo with [Mechanic]’s wife every Saturday. I’m sure he’ll be willing to tow it to an impound lot for you. You’re also banned from my store, which makes you standing there trespassing. Feel free to wait outside, no closer than fifty feet from the building.”

Customer: *looks like he might say something, but just stands there, silent*

Owner: *steps forward, leaning into the customer’s face* “Thus endeth the lesson.”

Me: *applauding as the customer heads out towards his car*