You Shall Not Pass My Firewall

Home | Related | April 6, 2013

(My son has picked up the phone. On the line is a scammer claiming to be from ‘windows tech support’. He is trying to convince him his computer has a virus.)

Son: “Hello?” *pause* “Yes, this is he.” *pause* “No you’re not.” *pause* “No dumb-a***, that doesn’t exist.” *pause* “You can assure me all you want, you’re not getting access to my computer.” *pause* “No there aren’t, I regularly scan my computer with legitimate software to remove what few viruses get through the firewall.” *pause* “Oh really, one of our other computers? One of the Macs, so well known for being fixed by Windows tech support? I bet your parents are real f***ing proud of you, knowing you make a living trying to steal other people’s money.” *pause* “No call for it? Are you kidding me? There’s no call for you phoning me up trying to steal my money, so I’ll guilt trip you as much as I please.” *pause* “Yes, I know that will show lots of errors, that’s what it always does. I’d be more worried if it didn’t show any errors.” *pause* “I don’t understand why you haven’t hung up yet; you must realise you’re not getting any money out of me… unless you’re not actually allowed to hang up, in which case it’s story time!”

(My son walks into the dining room where my husband and I are sitting, grabs the first book he sees, and flips it open.)

Son: “Ah, J.R.R Tolkien’s The Hobbit, or There and Back Again. Yes, I think we can skip the opening notes. ‘In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirt’—aww, he hung up.”

(As a result of that exchange, we started keeping a small stack of books next to the telephone to read from when scammers or telemarketers call, to see how long it takes them to hang up!)

This story is part of the Tolkien-themed roundup!