You Shall Not Pass

(I work in an office on my college’s campus. Among other things, we handle transit passes for students and staff. The student pass is a sticker that cannot be refunded unless under very specific circumstances, which are rules we don’t set. This happens on the phone with someone who is clearly faking an accent, since I’ve dealt with her in person before.)

Customer: “I need to return my pass. I didn’t know what it was and was charged too much for it.”

Me: “Ma’am, we quit selling those passes over two months ago. At this point, they’re actually expired. Why didn’t you contact us before now?”

Customer: “I didn’t know I would be charged. No one told me.”

Me: “I find that really unlikely. We train our staff quite well and they would have told you. Plus, we had you sign a form after reading the terms.”

Customer: “I signed nothing! I can’t read English!”

Me: “You should have told us that. We keep the literature in over 20 languages for your convenience. And why did you sign something you knew nothing about?”

Customer: “I didn’t sign anything!”

Me: “Then you wouldn’t have the pass. We require a signature for all passes.”

Customer: “Your employees are incompetent! I want my money back!”

Me: “I find it hard to believe that the person who sold you this wasn’t doing their job right. I know for a fact they’re quite good at it.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because it was the head of our department who’s been working here for over 20 years.”

Customer: *hangs up*