You Pay It Best When You Pay Nothing At All

(The phone rings and I see it’s a private number. I’m not yet on the do-not-call register, so I’m fairly certain it’s going to be an unsolicited call.)

Me: “Hello, [My Name] speaking.”

Telemarketer: “Hello, [My Name], I’m calling you from [Company] to talk about your mortgage.”

Me: “That’s not necessary—“

Telemarketer: *interrupting me* “Oh, but it is. We can take on your mortgage at a much lower cost! Isn’t that great?!”

Me: “I don’t see how you are going to do that.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, but we certainly can. Your mortgage payments are way too high right now.”

Me: “How do you know that?”

Telemarketer: “You are on the register.”

Me: “Sorry, but I can’t be. You see, you started this conversation completely wrong. You should’ve asked if I owned the apartment I’m in right now. And I would’ve told you that it’s a rented apartment. So, unless you are going to give me free money each month, I don’t think you can do better than the mortgage payments I am currently making, which is nothing at all.”

Telemarketer: “Goodbye!” *click*

(To this day, I still have no idea if there is a “register” for mortgage payments or if it was a lie.)