You Need A Knife For People Who Like It Sliced

(I deliberately hide my name tag at work because I also have a side job online where I really REALLY don’t want people knowing my real name. None of my coworkers know of this side job, either. If someone asks for my name, or if there is something weird going on where a manager or cashier might need to know I was the one that helped them, I, of course, give it to them. I’m working on salads at a far corner of the deli area while a coworker is standing right in front of the counter when this happens. Note: this customer is definitely not a regular.)

Customer: “Hey, [My Name]!”

Me: *dropping what I’m doing and putting on my best fake smile while I try to figure out how I would know this person* “Hi!”

Customer: “Can you remember what I got last time?”

Me: “You know, my memory doesn’t seem to be as good as yours. What do you need?”

Customer: “Okay, let’s see if you can remember this.” *gives decent-sized order all while grinning like a very creepy maniac* “And you know how I like it sliced.”

(I do my normal setting for people who don’t actually know what they want and hold it up.)

Me: “Like this?”

Customer: “You know me so well!” *wink*

(He wanders off while I do his order. My coworker walks up to me.)

Coworker: “Who’s that?”

Me: “I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I’m just going to sleep with a knife under my pillow tonight.”