You Need A Boyfriend Who Can Go With The Flow

I was in bed with the flu and a kidney infection, and then I got my period. The cherry on top of a really s***ty cake. Due to my being floored in bed, I hadn’t had a chance to do my usual shopping and only had one tampon left.

My boyfriend called on his way home from work.

Boyfriend: “Needed anything picking up?”

Me: “Yes, tampons please.”

Boyfriend: “Eww, gross.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Boyfriend: “I can pick you up and drive you to the supermarket so you can buy them yourself.”

Me: “That won’t work.”

Boyfriend: *Whiney.* “Why not?”

Me: “Blood and gravity.”

He huffs and puffs but finally agrees to go to the supermarket. He calls me from the tampon aisle and whispers.

Boyfriend: “I’m here. Which ones do you need?”

I explain, and he is about to put them in the basket, but then:

Boyfriend: “Hmm, there’s orange ones here.”

Me: “What orange ones?”

Boyfriend: “Super plus plus.”

Me: “Nope, too much. Just regular and super, please.”

Boyfriend: “Babe, I dunno if you know, but when you’re, well, doing that, there is a lot of blood.”

Me: “Now I know you’re not trying to mansplain to me my own f****** flow.”

At least that’s what I WANT to say, but I have to stay calm and polite because he’ll just leave without buying any if I kick off.

Me: “No thanks, just the ones I asked for.”

He comes home with the f****** orange ones.

Boyfriend: “Trust me, these will be better for you.”

I had no other choice but to use them. It was like pulling a London bus from out of me every time I changed one.

And he wonders why he’s now my ex.