You Have To Laugh, Or You’ll Cry

My husband and I are standing in line at a store waiting to check out. There’s a man in front of us. We accidentally get a little too close to him as it’s a cramped line and he jumps.

Customer: *Gasps!* “Oh, please back up! I can not have anyone touch me! I am on a physical no-contact fast for forty days!”

My husband and I back up and apologize profusely. The man starts a conversation with us and asks if we are Christian. We both answer yes, and he starts going into a rant that starts slightly normal and then gets weird. He asks us if we agree on some things and we both respectfully disagree and try to end the uncomfortable conversation. I am also laughing because I, unfortunately, laugh in awkward situations.

Customer: “Do you think this is funny, woman?! Do you?! The world is going to end in ninety days and your baby will burn in Hell! YOU HATE YOUR BABY! YOU WILL BURN!”

Finally, after we stop responding, he stops talking to us and starts ranting to the cashier, who ignores him and checks him out as fast as she can. When it’s our turn at the counter, we all give each other “What the f***?” looks.

Cashier: “I should’ve told him I was Wiccan and that if he didn’t shut up, I’d pull a broomstick out of my a**!”

Me: “I would have started chanting if you did that, made him run for the hills!”

To that cashier, thank you for making me laugh. That guy gave me the chills.