You Have NOT Been A Ham

(I work in a small cafe serving coffee and basic food like sandwiches, burgers, chips, etc. We offer the option to create your own sandwich using a variety of ingredients listed on our menus. This exchange occurs with a customer one afternoon. The lady has a somewhat vague look on her face as she walks in, and she takes a moment to respond to all my questions. These are questions I have to ask so I get people’s orders right.)

Me: “Good afternoon! What can I get you?”

Customer: *pause and stares at me* “Do you do sandwiches?”

Me: “Yes! On the bottom of the menu here…” *motions to the menu listing sandwich ingredients* “…are all the things you can have in a sandwich. You can have them fresh or toasted.”

(The lady says nothing for a moment and appears to read the menu.)

Customer: “The carrot, lettuce, cucumber, and tomato, please.”

Me: “So, you’d like just a salad sandwich.”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “So, you don’t want any meat in that one?”

(I motion again to the meat options; we offer chicken, ham, or turkey as meat fillings.)

Customer: “Beef!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t have beef. How about ham?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. So, a ham and salad sandwich. Was that fresh or toasted?”

Customer: “Toasted.”

Me: “Okay! Would you like us to put the salad in the sandwich after the bread is toasted so it doesn’t go limp?”

Customer: “What? No. On the side.”

(I’m confused now, because she said she wanted salad in the sandwich.)

Me: “Okay, wait… So, you would like a side of salad instead of the salad in the sandwich?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. So, you would like just the ham in the sandwich, and a side of salad with that?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay. So, that was just ham in the sandwich. No cheese or anything else, right?”

Customer: “Oh, yes, cheese!”

Me: *now inwardly screaming* “Okay! So, you would like a ham and cheese toasted sandwich with a side salad?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Was that white bread or multigrain?”

Customer: “Multigrain.”

(I finally got to ring her up for what I hoped was actually what she wanted. She got her order, ate it, didn’t complain, and left. I am baffled and exhausted by trying to get the order from this lady. Was it really so hard to say, “Ham and cheese toastie with salad on the side”?)