Yavin Gotta Be Kidding Me

(My boss has called me and my X-Wing fighter squadron in for a briefing.)

Boss: “Okay, guys, so we’re going to send you guys in to attack the Death Star.”

Coworker: “Woah, that doesn’t sound like a friendly place.”

Boss: “It’s not that bad. It’s just the main battle station of the Empire.”

Coworker #2: “A space station? Okay, as long as it’s not a Star Destroyer.”

Boss: “No, no, nothing like that. Although it does have about a dozen Star Destroyer’s protecting it.”

Coworker: “Wait, but–”

Boss: “So, you’re going to go in with a squad, and take it out.”

Coworker #2: “What kind of Battle Station is this?”

Boss: “Well… it’s round.”

Coworker #2: “It’s round?”

Boss: “And slightly bigger than average.”

Coworker #2: “Slightly bigger?”

Boss: “Just a smidge.”

Coworker #2: “And how do we attack it?”

Boss: “Well, you see, there’s this trench. It’s got some guns along it and even though you can approach it from any angle you want in space, we’d like you to fly along this trench where you can shot at from above and in front.”

Me: “Uh, boss? How about–”

Boss: “And then we need you to blast some proton torpedoes into this hole-thingy.”

Me: “But boss–”

Boss: “Yup. A nice easy target.”

Me: “But why can’t we just fly in from above and–”

Boss: “Oh, and one more thing. You’ll be taking some kid with you.”

Coworker: “A kid? On a bombing run? Into war?”

Boss: “Yeah, I know. It’s a bummer, but I think he’s like some snotty brother of the CEO or something. We don’t really have a choice.”

Coworker: “But does he even know how to fly?”

Boss: “He mentioned something about Womp Rats?”

Coworker: “What the f*** is a Womp Rat?”

Boss: “I don’t know. Apparently it’s relevant.”

Coworker: “I don’t like this plan.”

Me: “Exactly! We’re in space where we can fly in any direction we want. Why can’t we just–”

Boss: “Okay, so if there are no more questions…”

Coworker: “Can I just ask one thing?”

Boss: *sighs* “Make it quick.”

Coworker: “We’re just going to give this kid one of our fighters? Just like that? They’re valuable pieces of kit.”

Boss: “I suppose you have a point. Fine, give him the old X-Wing. That thing’s targeting computer has a habit of turning itself off but I doubt the little jerk will need it…”