Would You Like To Get Intimately Familiar With The Emergency Exit, Sir?
I’ve just gotten done with a trip to see my father, who is in bad enough shape that we don’t think he’ll survive the year. I’m returning home to go back to work, even though I’d rather stay with my parents and help them. Suffice it to say, I’m not in a great mood; I’m civil but not talkative.
I get my window seat on the flight back home and try to take a nap; it’s been an exhausting week. I’m vaguely aware of a guy in his thirties sitting down next to me.
Passenger: “Excuse me! Excuse me!”
He pokes me, and I turn to look at him.
Me: “What’s wrong?”
Passenger: “Hi, I’m [Passenger], nice to meet you. Can I get your name?”
Me: “…[My First Name]. Look, sorry, but it’s been a bad week. I’m just trying to take a nap.”
Passenger: “Well, before you doze off, I just wanted to talk to you about this wonderful business opportunity I’ve been trying to share…”
He launches into this MLM (multi-level marketing) pitch, and I can feel a headache developing.
Me: “Look, sir, I’m not in the mood. I have a full-time job, and I’m not feeling up to talking.”
Passenger: “Well, the great thing about this opportunity is that you can do it in your free time, and—”
Me: “Like I said, I’m not interested. I just spent a week helping my dad because I don’t know if he’ll live past the end of the year. Please just leave me alone.”
I tilt my head and pointedly ignore this guy.
Passenger: “Well, in that case, you’ll probably need the extra income this opportunity provides to help out whether or not he makes it. Sir? Sir?” *Pokes me* “Are you listening? You’re missing out.”
I push his hand away.
Me: “Stop touching me! I told you I’m not interested!“
Passenger: “But sir, I think if you’ll just give me your attention for a few minutes—”
Me: “I said no.”
Passenger: “Look, something you should know about me is that I’m very persistent and insistent. Now, as I was saying…”
I turn away again.
Passenger: “Sir.” *Pokes me* “Sir.” *Pokes me* “Sir!” *Pokes me*
I finally snap.
Me: “POKE ME AGAIN, AND I’LL F****** BREAK YOUR ARM OFF!”
The passenger sitting across the aisle from us interjects.
Passenger #2: “He said he wasn’t interested! Now shut the f*** up!”
Passenger: “I’m just trying to—”
A stewardess approaches.
Stewardess: “Is there a problem, sirs?”
Me: “Yes. This guy won’t shut up about his sales pitch, and when I try to nap, he keeps jabbing me in the ribs!”
Passenger: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to inform him of a wonderful opportunity—”
The stewardess cuts him off and speaks in a tone that clearly shows that she is out of f***s to give.
Stewardess: “Here’s an opportunity for you: you can go back to those seats back there by yourself and keep quiet, or I will have you taken off the flight. Limited-time offer. Act fast.”
[Passenger] grudgingly gets his stuff and moves.
Me: “Thank you.”
The rest of the flight is uneventful — or so I assume, since I sleep through it. [Passenger #2] does me the kindness of shaking my shoulder when we’re about to disembark. The nap helps quite a bit.
It’s after midnight when we land, and I’m heading to baggage claim when I hear rapid footsteps behind me.
Passenger: “Now that we have time to chat, I wanted to—”
I turn around.
Me: “Are you brain-dead? I’m not interested!”
Passenger: “But I—”
I am thiiiiis close to punching him.
Me: “F*** OFF OR I’LL HAVE YOU ARRESTED FOR STALKING!”
Passenger: “Jesus Christ! I try to help people, and this is the thanks I get!”
He stomped off angrily.
The rest of my brief time in the airport was thankfully devoid of any sales pitches. Dad made a recovery and will be around for quite some time. As for Mr. MLM Guy, I can only hope he eventually learned to shut up after the first “no”.
