A Porsche Choice Of Words

, , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

(I work for a very small, family-run business. The bosses are amazing, but since they come from money, have money, and do things like go out to ski over a long weekend, they tend to forget how to relate to people who don’t have money.)

Warehouse Guy: “Hey. Can someone give me a jump? My truck died, again.”

Me: *laughing* “Dude, you need to get a new car.”

Warehouse Guy: “Yeah, I have a friend who’s selling a car that I’m buying this month, so it might be sooner.”

(Next day:)

Warehouse Guy: *comes in with a very beat-up, old, four-door car* “Hey, look at my car!”

Me: “Is it going to run?”

Warehouse Guy: “Yeah, they basically replaced just about everything with it, except for the outside, but it was about 150 cheaper than I thought, so I’m good. Plus, it has air!”

Boss: “Huh… You know what is a great car? The Porsche! You should have gotten one of those; they look so sleek.”

([Warehouse Guy] and I exchange looks, because between the both of us, neither one of us would be able to buy one of those outright on either of our salaries.)

Warehouse Guy: “I’ll… keep that in mind.”

(The boss walks off, humming.)

There’s No Masking Their Disinterest

, , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

(Wildfires have become an increasing problem in my area every summer. This year, even though the fires are nowhere near where I live, a weird weather pattern traps a thick smoke cloud here for several days. I have asthma, so I am unable to leave my apartment during this time. Once the smoke clears, I go to the hardware store to buy the kind of face mask that blocks smoke so this won’t happen again. Since I have no idea where to find masks, I ask an employee. I explain to him that I need it because of my asthma and the smoky conditions, just in case some masks are unsuitable for that.)

Employee: “Face masks… Face masks… Those would be on an end cap on [aisle], I think. But I’m not sure. Let’s go look.”

(He starts leading me through the store to look for the masks.)

Employee: “Have you heard of the [Family] family?”

Me: “No, I haven’t.”

Employee: “Well, they had all sorts of health problems. Always dealing with something. But then one time, the day after Halloween, they found little [Son] passed out next to a pillowcase full of candy. Took him to the doctor, and it turned out he had diabetes.”

Me: *wondering why he’s telling me this* “Was he all right?”

Employee: “Yeah, but the mom, see, she was a nurse, and she’d seen people die from insulin. So she didn’t want her son taking that. The whole family changed their diet, instead. Organic, raw, vegan.”

(We haven’t gotten to the face-masks yet, but the employee stops in the middle of an aisle. He’s no longer looking for them at all.)

Employee: “So, yeah. The diabetes cleared right up! And the daughter, she had asthma. It went away, too!”

Me: “Ah.”

Employee: “Really, you should try it. Go on a green juice cleanse for a couple weeks. It’ll take care of that asthma.”

Me: “Um… I’d rather just find that mask, thanks.”

Employee: “Oh, right.”

(He finally showed me where the masks were, and I found the right one. Before leaving, he made a few more comments about changes I should make to my diet and what wonderful effects it would have on my health. All of this was despite me not showing one bit of interest in his claims about diet. Also, I’ve been a vegetarian who eats mostly vegetables for over a decade, and I still have asthma.)

That’s A Negative On The Math Jokes

, , , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

(As I man the cut table, the boss and the manager are making pizza and chatting.)

Boss: “I’ve heard it called the Deluxe, the Supreme, and the Garbage pizza, but after fourteen years in the business, this is the first time I’ve ever heard of it referred to as an Absolute Pizza.”

Me: “Does that mean it has the same value whether it’s negative or positive?”

Boss: “Definitely.”

Manager: “Look, I love bad math jokes more than most, but that one’s not worth a response.”

Me: “So, I could go to a customer and demand they pay up their negative Absolute Pizza? ‘Thanks for ordering; that’ll be $24.99, and you now owe me a pizza.'”

Manager: *glaring at boss* “You. YOU DID THIS.”

The Boobishly Designed Cash Register

, , , , , , | Working | November 29, 2018

I used to work at a coffee stand on a college campus. It was run by the college, so our financial paperwork was occasionally audited by state auditors. We had to account for every time we opened the cash register because the register would log the time stamp on a report we had to file.

We weren’t allowed to open the drawer for anything but a shift start, a sale, and shift end. Unfortunately, due to the placement of the register and the stand itself, most of us baristas ended up having to lean in close to the register and its handy “drawer open” button. Also unfortunately, most of us had boobs that got in the way and hit the button. We were instructed to write down a brief note about why the drawer was opened.

And that’s the story about how some state auditor had to handle a file full of little notes that read, “Sorry, hit with boob.”

Two Birds In The Hand Are Worth Three In The Bush

, , , , , , | Working | November 28, 2018

I was looking for a new place to live. I saw a flat close to the city centre and right next door to my college, within my budget, so I arranged a viewing. The viewing went well, so I put in an application.

A week or two later I got a phone call to say I had been accepted and arranged a date to sign the tenancy. The woman I spoke to on the phone told me I would need to pay a deposit equal to one month’s rent and a month’s rent up front.

I arrived the day of the signing and had actually signed all of the paperwork when they informed me it was actually three lots of the rent amount I needed to pay, not two. They seemed convinced that they told me this on the phone. No big deal. It was a communication error. I told them I would be able to pay that in two week’s time, as that’s when I’d get paid. They said they’d have to run that past the landlord.

They phoned me a day or two later to tell me the landlord didn’t want to let to me anymore. I was irritated as the tenancy on my old place was about to run out and I had no more time to find a new place. I ended up staying with friends until I could find another place.

The real kicker is that the place ended up being up for let for around six months. All because the landlord didn’t want to wait two weeks.

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