(I walk into a fast food restaurant. Note that I’m standing right in front of the server as I place my order at the counter.)
Worker: “That will be $14.35. Please drive to the first window.”
Me: *staring blankly*
Worker: *realizes what she just said* “Oh! That’s $14.35!”
(I used to be a volunteer for Ron Paul in 2012, but I missed the deadline to switch party registrations and vote in the Republican Primary because I was having brain surgery. On Election Day, they call me.)
Caller: “Is [My Name] there?”
Me: “That’s me.”
Caller: “Hi. I’m calling with the Ron Paul campaign. Have you voted yet today?”
Me: “Sorry, I missed the deadline to switch parties because I was having brain surgery.”
Caller: “If you’re going to make excuses for not voting, make it something not so serious!”
Me: “No, really. That’s my excuse. I was having brain surgery to remove a benign tumor and the deadline came and went. So, I’m still a Democrat.”
Caller: “It would have been easy to fill out a little form.”
Me: “I had a lot on my plate, okay?”
Caller: “You’re not a very good Ron Paul supporter, are you?”
Me: *click*
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(My cat has recently developed a rather unusual habit. The local pet shop has so-called “cat experts” on staff, so I got to talk to them to figure out if this habit is a problem.)
Me: “Hi, are you one of the cat experts?”
Employee: “Yes, ma’am! What can I do for you?”
Me: “So, my cat has been doing something kind of funny lately. I don’t really think it’s something that is that big a deal, but I want to make sure that it isn’t going to cause him any problems.”
Employee: “I’ll be the judge of that. What’s she doing?”
Me: “He. He has been burying spiders alive in his litter box. I’m thinking it’s harmless, but I have found poisonous spiders in the house. So, I’m a little concerned about him getting bitten because he eats them sometimes, too.”
Employee: “She what?”
Me: “He. My cat is a boy. He eats spiders. And sometimes buries them alive in his litter box.”
Employee: “You’ve got to stop her! She can’t do that. It’s for POOPIES!”
Me: “Right… he knows that’s what it’s for, that’s what he mostly uses it for. But when he catches spiders that he doesn’t eat, he buries them alive. I don’t think it’s a huge problem, I just want to make sure that it won’t create a health risk for him. I know it’s unlikely but since cat litter is designed to trap moisture I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to trap toxins from any potentially poisonous arachnids that could get into his system.”
Employee: “Cat litter traps moisture?”
Me: “Is there someone else I can talk to?”
Employee: “Look, whatever reason she’s doing this, you need to get your cat to stop. Spiders are GROSS anyway!”
(I ended up finding another employee to “help” me. Their suggestion? My cat needed to see a shrink.)
(I work as a hostess at an Italian restaurant franchise that has various paintings, photos, and other decor adorning the walls. One day, my manager walks up to me and begins wondering out loud.)
Manager: “Why do our walls have these lion faces embossed on them?”
Me: “In ancient Roman times, the lion head represented Hercules. He was said to wear the skin of a lion and its head as a helmet.”
Manager: *blank look* “What do Romans have anything to do with an Italian restaurant?!”
(I am in the staff room and overhear this conversation between two coworkers.)
Coworker #1: “I was watching Animal Farm with my son, but he didn’t like it very much.”
Coworker #2: “Animal Farm? Isn’t that a bit scary for children?”
Coworker #1: “Well, it might have been Babe. I can’t remember.”
Coworker #2: “The films are a bit difficult to mix up! They’re completely different!”
Coworker #1: “No! Babe is just the children’s version of Animal Farm!”
