(Note: I’m calling about my mortgage to see if they can get me a better deal.)
Operator: “Okay, I’m just going to ask you a few questions and then we’ll see what we can do for you.”
Me: “Okay, that’s fine. Fire away.”
Operator: “How much do you owe on your mortgage?”
Me: “Roughly £97,000.”
Operator: “Okay, and who is your current mortgage provider?”
Me: “HSBC.”
Operator: “And how do you spell that?”
Me: “Um… H… S… B… C.”
(I have just had to take some last-minute time off to care for my mother, who has just had some minor surgery. As it is last-minute, I ask to have it taken out of paid holiday allowance.)
Manager: “I know you had to have some time off, and you asked to have this taken out of your holiday entitlement, but we have to say no.”
Me: “I understand; it’s fine. It was last minute, so can it just go down as unpaid leave? I really don’t want to have it go down as sickness.”
Manager: “Don’t worry. It won’t go down as sickness, and you’re being paid for it.”
Me: “Okay, that’s gre—sorry, what?”
Manager: “You’re being paid for it; don’t worry about it. You’re a valued member of the department and the company. Also, if you need to take any other time off, just let us know. And if there is anything we can do to help you, just let us know.”
(I have never had a company look after their employees like this. Working for a small but growing company has its advantages. This just shows how GOOD some companies and managers can be!)
(It’s first thing in the morning and I’m trying to log onto to our company website to start work. I see that our internet connection is down.)
Me: “Is your internet working?”
Coworker: “Yes. It’s working fine.”
(I go into his office to see him playing desktop Solitaire.)
Me: “You can get on the internet?”
Coworker: “Yeah, it’s working fine.”
Me: “Not your computer, the internet. That’s just a game; you don’t need internet to play that.”
Coworker: *points at the computer tower* “You don’t know what you’re talking about. This whole thing is the internet, and it’s working.”
Me: “No, it’s not, that’s a computer. Try to check MSN or something.”
Coworker: “I don’t need to, because my internet…” *points to the tower again* “…is ON. It’s working FINE.”
(I reboot our router and fix the problem. Only now, I’m wondering how to fix my coworker…)
Employee: “Hi. What can I get you?”
Me: “I’ll have a two-burrito meal, please.”
Employee: “What size?”
Me: “Large.”
(At that moment, a manager comes up and tells the employee they can only do a medium meal.)
Employee: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. We only have a medium.”
Me: “That’s fine.”
(The manager proceeds to tell the employee how to work the cash register and at that moment, I realize that the employee is new.)
Employee: “Is there anything else, sir?”
Me: “Yes. I’d like a large peppermint hot chocolate.”
(My total is $5.70, so I take a 20-dollar bill out of my wallet and hand it to the employee.)
Employee: “Your change is $5.70.”
Me: “…My change is $5.70?”
Employee: “I’m sorry. I meant your total is $5.70.”
Manager: “He’s new here.”
Me: *laughing* “Oh, that’s alright. If my change actually was $5.70, I’d say the register was trying to short-change me.”
(I give the 20-dollar bill to the cashier and see that my actual change is $14.30.)
Employee: “Okay, your change is $4.30.”
Me: “…My change is $4.30?”
Employee: *laughs* “I mean your change is $14.30!”
(I’m going past security at a courthouse.)
Guard #1: “Man, I could use some tacos. ”
Guard #2: “They do sound pretty good right now.”
Guard #1: *to me* “Hey Miss, don’t you think tacos sound good?'”
Me: “It’s 9 am. I think it’s a little early for tacos.”
Guard #1: *deadpan* “It’s never too early for tacos.”
