(I have recently gotten a new wireless internet router and am attempting to connect my computer to it. The computer is resistant in the attempt and I go through the common sense tech support stuff before I finally call my new internet provider.)

Me: “Hi, I’m trying to connect my computer to the internet, but it is not being very cooperative. It is sensing the signal, but will not connect and isn’t even picking it up on the computer that it is hard-lined into it.”

Tech: “I will be able to help you today. Is your computer on?”

(I’m familiar with idiot checks, so I reply cooperatively.)

Me: “Yep.”

Tech: “Is your router on?”

Me: “Yes.”

Tech: “Is it plugged in?”

Me: “Um… yes. Because it’s on.”

Tech: “Is it plugged into the internet? Through the DSL? You check the wire on the back; it looks like a phone wire.”

Me: “I do know what DSL is, and yes, it’s plugged into the DSL.”

Tech: “The problem is with your computer. Do I have your permission to use a back-door to get onto your computer?”

Me: “You can’t.”

Tech: “So, I don’t have permission?”

Me: “Oh, you can try all you like. This isn’t a permission issue. To access my computer remotely, I need to be connected to the internet. I can’t get my computers to connect to the internet.”

Tech: “I cannot help you if you will not let me access your computer.”

Me: “Here, let me try again: you may access my computer. However, you need to use the internet connection to do so. And the internet connection does not exist right now. That’s why I’m calling.”

Tech: “Have you turned it on?”

Me: “Yes, I’ve turned it on, I’ve reset the router, I’ve checked and double-checked all the cords. The router appears to be transmitting, but not connecting. Nothing is connecting.”

Tech: “…And I will help you fix your computer if you will let me access it remotely.”

Me: “You know what? Yes. Remotely access my computer. Via the not-internet. And while your doing that, can you signal your manager? I’ll want to talk to him when we’re done.”

Tech: “Yes, I will call my manager.”

(He calls the manager, but in the meantime he asks questions necessary to remotely access my computer. Most of the answers are a bit disparaging.)

Me: “…No, I cannot give that code because I don’t have one because I’m not connected to the internet.”

Tech: “Ma’am, I think your problem is beyond my skill level. I am going to send you to the next level of techs.”

Me: “Can I talk to your manager first?”

Tech: “Yes, here he is.”

Manager: “Hi, can I help you?”

Me: “I certainly hope so. I have no internet connection. As in there is no internet. I’ve done the idiot-check protocols already. Everything is sufficiently plugged and secured. But internet is not coming into the house.”

Manager: “Okay, let me check something… Ah, the tech who installed your router forgot to call in and tell us to turn on your internet. Hang on…” *the sound of fast typing comes over the phone* “Okay, you should be receiving internet now.”

Me: “Ah, there we go! Connecting… let’s see… beautiful! We have internet! Thank you very much!”

Manager: “No problem.”

Tech: “Are you willing to participate in a customer service survey? It’ll take about five minutes.”

Manager: “…You probably want to skip that, [tech’s name].”

Me: “Bye.” *hangs up*

(I recently moved, but some of my belongings were somehow misplaced during shipping including many of my gaming items. My fiance takes me to get some of them replaced.)

Me: “Excuse me? I noticed you sell the glow-light controllers but you only have two colors. Would it be possible for me to order one in a different color?”

Employee: “Sorry, miss, that controller only comes in two colors.”

Me: “Actually, I’m pretty sure it also comes in purple considering I have bought a purple one before.”

Employee: “No, those are the only colors we have. Even if we ordered some, they don’t come in purple. What guy would want a girly purple controller, anyway?”

(I go over to the stand, pick up one of the controllers, and hold up the section that shows all the different colors the controllers are available in… including purple.)

Me: “According to the packaging it comes in purple. Can you order one or not?”

Employee: “Look, lady, you obviously don’t know what you are talking about, okay? That controller doesn’t come in purple and I’m not going to order one for you.”

(Fed up, I send my fiance up to go deal with it. Insultingly, the employee was more than happy to order a purple controller for him.)

(I am going through American customs at the airport between a flight from Iceland and a flight to Montréal. I have food and alcohol which I had bought in Keflavik to bring back home, including salmon paste and hákarl, which is raw, fermented toxic shark. Both are Icelandic delicacies.)

Customs Agent: “So, you wrote down on your declaration card that you had food. Is this it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customs Agent: “What’s this? Saaaal-mon… what’s sal-mon?”

Me: “…It’s a fish species.”

Customs Agent: “Oh. So you eat this?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customs Agent: “Never heard of it. Okay. And this is shark? Now, I know what a shark is… have a great day, ma’am!”

(One day, the boss calls me into her office for a meeting. Note: this takes place in late April.)

Boss: “Yes, I’d like to figure out who all’s taking what for vacation days this year so we don’t run into any conflicts.”

Me: “Sounds good to me!”

(I rattle off a few dates that I’m thinking about taking for my summer vacation.)

Boss: “Oh, I’m sorry. You can’t have any time off in the summer. We get so busy broadcasting from all the summer events that we need all hands on deck.”

Me: “Oh… okay. I prefer autumn, anyway.”

Boss: “Nope. It’s municipal elections this year, and we need all available personnel to cover the elections.”

Me: “But the election is just the last two weeks in September. Surely, a week at the start of September, or a week off in October—”

Boss: “NO! We need EVERYONE around for the ENTIRE autumn to cover the election!”

Me: “Um, okay. Well, then, looks like I’ll be taking a super-long Christmas vacation.”

Boss: “I’d rather you not. I prefer winter, and I always take all my vacation time in the winter.”

Me: “Isn’t that the purpose of this meeting, to get this sorted out and make sure there are no conflicts? Tell me what days you’re taking off in the winter, and I can work around you.”

Boss: “Well, I’m not going to know for sure what days I’m going to want until November or so, so for the purposes of planning, let’s say I’m taking the entire winter off.”

Me: “So, let me get this straight: spring is done, and now you’re sitting here telling me I can’t take any time off in summer, fall, or winter?”

Boss: “Looks that way.”

Me: “Well, then… looks like I’m not taking a vacation this year.”

(For the next two weeks, my boss boasted to her fellow department heads about my strong work ethic and how I’d resolved not to take a vacation in this very busy year. And the finale? At the end of the year, my boss’s boss and HR ordered me to take all of December off, because I had so much unused vacation time!)

This story is part of the Christmas In The Workplace roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

14 Times Employees Had To Fight For Their Lunch Break

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Read the Christmas In The Workplace roundup!

(I am out picking up food for clients who are coming in for a meeting later that day. My boss comes with me to tell me what to get.)

Me: “Okay, we’ve got cheese, crackers, wine… what else do we need?”

Boss: “Look at this ice cream! It’s the best. You have to try it!”

Me: “No, that’s okay. I don’t want any.”

Boss: “Go on, get some! I’ll just charge it to the clients. No one has to know.”

Me: “What? No, don’t do that!”

Boss: “Well, you’re just f***ing BORING then!”