(Our company policy is to have user accounts get locked if they type their password wrong three times in a row.)

Employee: “I’m locked out! This must be a system failure, because I can’t be that stupid to type in my password wrong.”

Me: “Well, you were indeed locked out. I just unlocked you, so go ahead and try it again.”

(I hear the employee type loudly over the phone.)

Employee: “It’s still not working! See, I told you it’s a problem with the system!”

Me: “Did you check if you probably have Caps Lock on or Num Lock off?”

Employee: “You must really think I’m stupid! I already checked that!”

(I hear him typing again, but softer.)

Employee: “Oh… it’s working now.” *hangs up*

(A coworker-in-training is asking me some questions about the different ingredients in each sub.)

Coworker: “So, what animal does turkey come from?”

Me: “Turkey.”

Coworker: “Yeah, the turkey breast… What animal is that from?”

Me: *gives up* “Cow.”

Coworker: “Really?”

Me: “No.”

(Believe it or not, she became the general manager of our store!)

(The owner of the place isn’t all quite there — too much to drink some days — and hardly knows how to run a business. Every day, she calls in to check on business.)

Me: *answering the phone* “Welcome to [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

Owner: *sounds hungover* “[My Name]? When did you start working?”

Me: “I’ve been here since we opened at seven am.”

Owner: “What time is it now?”

Me: “Almost 11.”

Owner: “Okay, I’ll be in around noon.”

(Noon rolls by and she doesn’t show up until around six pm.)

Owner: “Sorry, I’m late. I had to do errands.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Well, I’m almost finished cleaning up and then I’ll be leaving.”

Owner: “That’s fine.”

(The owner pulls out a bottle of rum hidden in the freezer, grabs a cake from the cooler, and then empties out the register.)

Owner: “I’m going home now. See you tomorrow.”

Me: “All right. I’ll lock up when I’m done.”

(I finish cleaning up by seven pm and just before I lock up, my cellphone rings. It shows my boss on the caller ID.)

Me: “Hi, [Boss], I’m leaving now.”

Owner: “On your way home can you drop me off my bottle of rum, maybe a cake, and tell me how much money is in the drawer?”

Me: “Uh, when you stopped by earlier, you took the rum, the cake, and the money.”

Owner: “No, I didn’t!”

Me: “Yes, you did. You put your money in your pocket, and took the bottle of rum and the cake to your car.”

Owner: “I swear you stole it! I’m going to call the cops and they’ll be arriving the same time that I get there!”

Me: “I swear that you stopped by and picked up the rum, your cake, and the money from the register not even an hour ago.”

(I hear a car door open in the background, followed by a string of swears.)

Me: “I take it you found what you were looking for?”

Owner: *flustered* “You lucked out this time! I found the cake and the money, but the bottle of rum is empty and sitting on the passenger seat of my car!”

Me: “Did you drink it on your way home? I don’t think the cops would have appreciated that.”

Owner: *click*

(I closed up shop, left my key, and never returned to work after that!)

(I go to my local superstore in search of sandpaper to fix a door frame. I spot an employee putting away groceries.)

Me: “Hi…where can I find sandpaper?”

Employee: *confused* “…Papaya?”

Me: “No, no. Sandpaper, for making things smooth.”

Employee: *confused* “Computer?”

Me: *giving up* “Thanks, I’ll try and find it myself.”

Employee: *sudden look of comprehension* “Shelf!”

(I’m a male customer at the local retail superstore. Having just had an unfortunate experience in the bathroom, I inform the employee at the service desk that there is no toilet paper.)

Me: “There is no toilet paper in the restroom.”

Employee: “The men’s restroom?”

Me: “Well, I certainly wouldn’t have been in the women’s restroom.”

Employee: “You don’t have to take that tone with me, sir.”

Me: “You’d take the same tone if you had to use your sock.”

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