(Note: It is Valentine’s Day, I am single, and a bit upset about it. This occurs when I am calling to order a new ATM card from my bank.)
Employee: “Okay, you should be getting your new card in the mail within a few weeks.”
Me: “Awesome. Thank you.”
Employee: “No problem. I should probably wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day, but I f***ing hate today!”
Me: “That is exactly what I needed to hear!”
(I am a male customer being waited on by a female employee. An older man, visibly intoxicated, is being noisy, bothers the ladies and even regularly turns down the lights in the bar. The employees just let him frolic around.)
Me: “Excuse me, miss. Is this man a regular or something?”
Employee: “He’s the manager, sir…”
(I work as an assistant. My boss tends to be really rude and always assumes he’s more intelligent than the people he’s talking to, but he usually isn’t. He also assumes I’m gay because he calls it a “lady job”, so I can’t wait to introduce him to my girlfriend at a company party.)
Boss: *shaking my girlfriend’s hand* “Oh, I thought [my name] was gay.”
My Girlfriend: *trying to be polite* “If he is, that’s news to me!”
Boss: “Well, it’s good that you were able to fix him. After all, we don’t want people like that working here. And we’re all always improving and ameliorating our lives, aren’t we?”
My Girlfriend: “Those are synonyms, and I don’t think that their definitions are what you’re actually trying to say, but okay…”
Boss: *condescendingly* “Young lady, they are NOT synonyms.”
My Girlfriend: “To ameliorate something is to alter or change something for the better. So yes, they are. And, even if [my name] was gay, who says that’s bad or in need of improvement? People are who they are, you know.”
Boss: *snidely* “It’s cute that you think you’re smart enough to compete, but—”
(At this moment, my boss’s boss approaches. He has apparently been listening in on the entire conversation.)
Boss’s Boss: *to my boss* “You’re fired. Clean out your office tomorrow.” *to me* “I have an opening for an executive assistant on my personal team that I’d like to offer you.” *to my girlfriend, shaking her hand* “It was lovely to meet you. I hope you can join us all for lunch sometime this week!”
(I found out later that my boss had had a few discrimination complaints filed against him over the years, and when his boss overheard what he was saying, he’d had enough. I did take that promotion, and my new boss, his wife, and my girlfriend and I all have lunch at least twice a week!)
Manager: “So, you click “New” to make a new inventory sheet?”
Me: “Yes, right over there.”
Manager: “Now what do I do…type it in?”
Me: “Yes, in the text box.”
(My manager types as slowly as humanly possible.)
Manager: “So, where’s that space key again?”
(I’m sitting in the break room when one of the mall security guards comes in.)
Security Guard: “Well, time to go make some little kids cry!”
Me: “What?!”
Coworker: “You telling them that the line for Santa is closing?”
Security Guard: “Yup!”
This story is part of the Christmas In The Workplace roundup!
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