(I have just asked my boss if it’s okay that a friend comes over to the office and brings her dog. 10 minutes later I’m sitting in my office and the CEO comes in.)
CEO: “Where’s the dog?”
Me: “They’re not here yet. I just got the OK so they’re on their way.”
CEO: “But… it’s not here?”
Me: “No dog.”
(The CEO leaves while mumbling sadly.)
CEO: “But I have meetings the rest of the day…”
(We just hired on a bunch of new people. The kid I am training has never had a job before and is a bit nervous, so we chat a little.)
Coworker: “You do everything so fast! But, I guess you’ve been doing it for a while.”
Me: “Yes, long enough that the managers are comfortable with me training new people.”
Coworker: “So why don’t you have a red shirt like the other crew trainers?”
Me: “Oh, there was a little part of my certification that I didn’t complete in time so I was not officially promoted to a crew trainer. However, I still make the same amount as them and I still train people. The only difference is the red shirt.”
Coworker: “I think it was a good idea to pass up on the red shirt.”
Me: “Was that a vague Star Trek reference?”
Coworker: “Yes! I think I’m going to like it here…”
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(I am working at a high school in the IT department. We have recently hired a new technician. Today is her first day. I have just concluded the building tour.)
Me: “So, that’s about it. Do you have any questions?”
New Hire: “Yeah, do you guys have a fridge where I can stash my lunch?”
Me: “Sure. It’s in the backroom on the left.”
(Five minutes later, I go back to get a cup of coffee.)
Me: “Um, [New Hire], what do you think you’re doing?”
New Hire: “Oh, I’m just cleaning the fridge. I’m a vegan, you see, and I can’t have my lunch contaminated with any animal products.”
Me: “So, you threw away EVERYTHING in the fridge?”
New Hire: “Well, yeah. Everything in there had some sort of animal product in it. And you will never wear that leather jacket again around me. I’m a vegan and it disgusts me. And I’m going to tell the director that she needs to get rid of her leather purse.”
Me: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
(The new hire was fired immediately when she attempted to throw away my director’s purse and everything in it, as it was “contaminated.”)
This story is part of our Vegan Roundup!
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(My father has a lot of telemarketers calling for my step-mother after they divorce because she had run up some credit cards. The calls are ridiculous. Even after telling them repeatedly she no longer lives with us, they keep calling. Apparently I sound like a child on the phone, so I come up with a new way to get rid of them.)
Me: *answering phone* “Hello?”
(The telemarketer pauses before speaking in a baby voice.)
Telemarketer: “Hi there, sweetie. Is your mommy there? This is an important call.”
(I grin evilly, and make my voice even more childish.)
Me: “She’s in the shower.”
Telemarketer: “Is your daddy around then?”
Me: “No, he’s in the shower, too. They are making funny noises. Do you want me to go get them?”
Telemarketer: *frantic and yelling* “NO! NO! DON’T GO IN THE BATHROOM!”
Me: “Are you sure?”
Telemarketer: “NO! For the love of God, don’t go in the bathroom! I’ll call back later! DON’T GO IN THE BATHROOM!”
(It’s my second day working for a small shop within a store. As I walk in, my supervisor looks up from some personal work she’s doing on a machine we’re supposed to be selling.)
Supervisor: “Hey [My Name], I’m getting off at five, so you and [Coworker] are going to be closing with her today.”
Me: “Okay, has she closed before? Because I’ve never closed before and I don’t really know what to do.”
Supervisor: “It’s her second day too, but I put my number by the register so you can call me if you need anything.”
Me: “Wait; let me just see if I’m understanding this: you’re putting two people together, both of them on their second day, leaving them alone in the store, and expecting them to close with no experience doing so and with no instruction?”
Supervisor: “Yep!”
