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Bad boss and coworker stories

Literature Is All Greek To Me

| Working | September 12, 2012

(I approach a cashier behind the counter looking for some help in finding a book.)

Me: “Excuse me, do you know where I could find the works of Homer?”

Cashier: *pauses* “Like the Simpson?”

Some Coworkers Are Full Of Crap

| Working | September 12, 2012

Me: “Why is there a sump pump in the septic tank?”

Coworker: “We’re removing the overflow. The tank overflows after it rains.”

Me: “Oh, where are you pumping it to?”

Coworker: “Into the sewer.”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “[Boss] doesn’t like paying for something we could do ourselves.”

Me: “Okay, you do realize that these sewers are directly connected to the river?”

Coworker: “Yeah… so?”

Me: “And now it’s overflowing, too?”

Coworker: “…And?”

Me: “And now I have to walk through fresh s*** to get to my car, that’s why.”

Coworker: “Then don’t wear sandals to work next time!”

Me: !#@#^$%&

Some Backs Had Best Stay In The Back

| Working | September 11, 2012

(I’m the supervisor at a bar. It’s a somewhat quiet night, so I’ve been chatting with a pretty female customer. When I slip into the back room to get more ice, I run into my barback, who tells me how he wants to bend the customer over the bar and show her what a real man is. It’s clear that the female customer has heard the barback’s lewd comments, so I tell him to apologize to her.)

Barback: “Hey, my supervisor says I have to apologize, so I’m sorry you overheard me.”

Female Customer: “That is probably the most worthless apology I’ve ever heard in my life.”

Barback: “I ain’t gonna apologize for saying it.”

Female Customer: “Then allow me to be blunt. You will keep your hands to yourself, or I will break your fingers.”

Barback: “You can’t say that to me!”

Female Customer: “Actually, I can. Because you having your fingers broken is contingent on you violating my right to not be touched by you if I don’t want to.”

(At this point, another customer who is sitting next to the female customer joins the conversation.)

Other Customer: “She’s right, you know.”

Barback: “Oh, and all of the sudden you just know stuff?”

(The other customer flashes a detective’s badge.)

Other Customer: “Yup. Just like that.”

Barback: *to the female customer* “You stupid Irish b****! All y’all are sneaky little c***s trying to get us good American men in trouble!”

Female Customer: “You think the Irish are out to get you?”

Barback: “No! Women!”

Female Customer: “You’re single, aren’t you?”

(The barback thankfully got fired the next day, and the female customer and the detective are now my favorite customers; they come in together all the time!)

Tails Of The Undead

| Working | September 11, 2012

(While leaving the store I notice a mouse run across the entrance-way. It stops under a bench located there. Returning inside, I pull a clerk aside for a quiet conversation.)

Me: “You have a mouse running around in your entrance-way.”

Clerk: “Is it still alive?”

ASAP: As Streaming As Possible

| Working | September 11, 2012

(Note: My department handles all software installs and upgrades, and MUST have a ticket submitted in order to have anything done to their PCs. This employee has a company-issued laptop.)

Me: “Desktop Support, this is [name].”

Employee: “Yeah, I need my Internet Explorer upgraded, now!”

Me: “Have you submitted a ticket for it?

Employee: “No, but it is urgent. I need this done right this second!”

(At this point, I assume he needs this in order to do a job-related task that is critical.)

Me: “I can take care of it, so long as you get a ticket in.”

Employee: “Fine, I’ll put one in when I get back.”

Me: “…Get back?”

Employee: “Yeah, I’m on vacation!”

Me: “Then why do you need Internet Explorer upgraded on your laptop?”

Employee: “I can’t get Netflix to work!”

Me: *facepalm*