(We’ve been getting calls from a rather pushy collector regarding the boss’ daughter’s cell phone bill, to the point where we hang up on him the moment we recognize who it is. This time I answer the phone.)

Caller: “I called yesterday wanting to speak to [Boss’ Daughter] but the person who answered didn’t know what she was talking about. I demand to speak to her immediately.”

Me: “Sorry about that, but [Boss’ Daughter] is not in right now.”

Caller: *getting pushier* “At what time can I find her.”

Me: “Not sure. I think she is out of the city.”

Caller: *even pushier* “Then transfer me to someone who knows.”

Me: “I can transfer you to anyone else here, and they will all tell you the same thing. She is not in, and we don’t know if or when she will be back.”

(This same particular conversation goes on for a bit: he demanding I transfer him to someone else, or to speak with the boss’ daughter directly, and me refusing to transfer him as everyone else is tired of dealing with him at this point.)

Caller: *getting exasperated* “Can you at least transfer me whoever is in charge of the bills?”

Me: “Again, sorry, but she called in and won’t be in today.”

Caller: *threatening* “Well, I’ll just keep calling until you transfer me to [Boss’ Daughter].”

Me: *suddenly cheery* “That’s cool. One of my duties is answering the phone.”

Caller: “Yeah, well one of my duties is to keep calling, even if you guys keep hanging up on me.”

Me: “Cool, we both keep on calling and answering the phone which is what we get paid to do.”

Caller: “Don’t you have other things to do?”

Me: “Well, I can do both my regular work and answer the phone at the same time, so it’s a win-win for me.”

Caller: “Uh… well, let [Boss’ Daughter] know we called and that we are expecting her payment.”

Me: “Sure thing! I’ll let her know you guys called as soon as she gets in. Goodbye.”

(The caller hangs up for good.)

(I am going through the drive-thru of a burger place. The total comes to $7.20, I hand the cashier $10.20.)

Cashier: “Here’s your change” *hands me $5 note*

Me: “No, that’s not right” *hands back note* “I gave you $10.20 and the change is $3.”

Cashier: *looking confused at the note* “Um, but you gave me…”

Me: “$10.20, I get $3 change.”

Cashier: *hands me three coins snootily* “There you are, then.”

Me: “You gave me three $2 coins…”

Coworker: “Man, it’s such a beautiful day out today!”

Me: “No, it’s not.”

Coworker: “Yes, it is! The sun is gorgeous!”

Me: “The sun is evil.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t.”

Me: “Yes, it is. The sun makes everything worse.”

Coworker: “You’re just saying that because you’re a vampire.”

(It is well known among my coworkers that I emphatically prefer nighttime to daytime.)

Me: “My love of the night not withstanding, the sun IS a bad thing. It makes the weather worse.”

Coworker: “Not today. It’s beautiful out.”

Me: “It’s bright, and ‘glarey.’ The sun is just blinding and abrasive and it makes the weather worse. You know how they say the sun is a big ball of fire in space? That’s BS. I want to meet the quack scientist who came up with that theory.”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Me: *singsong voice* “The sun isn’t some magic ball of fire that warms our planet and whose heat we couldn’t live without!” *end singsong* “I believe in the scientific process, so check this: In summer, when it’s hot and humid and you just want it to be cold, what does the sun do?”

Coworker: “It makes things hotter.”

Me: “Exactly. BUT what about in the winter? When it’s cold and freezing and you just want it to warm up. What does the sun do then?”

Coworker: “It… makes things warm?”

Me: “No. Think back, we just got hit by that polar vortex this winter. The warmest days were cloudy and rainy, because rain is good and moderates the temperature. The COLDEST days there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Bright, shiny, glarey days that were easily colder than when a blizzard was coming through.”

Coworker: *tries to protest, but gets caught short as she thinks back and realizes this was true*

Me: “SO… in the winter, the sun just makes things even colder. The sun ISN’T some magic ball of life giving heat. The sun is the eye of a malevolent God. It gazes down upon us like a physical presence, weighing us down and making everything worse. It makes us cold in the winter, it makes us hot in the summer, it blinds us as we drive, and agitates the air around us making the air thicker and unpleasant.”

Coworker: *seems to want to argue the ‘eye of a malevolent god’ comment, but is still digesting that most of what I said reflects her experience*

Me: “And now you know. We’re only awake during the day because ‘everyone else is.’ Ignore the sun, revel in the night, don’t be another slave to the brilliance. You can thank me later.”

(Two of my coworkers have decided to learn the phonetic alphabet and are looking at a website with a list on it.)

Coworker #1: “Why is Z ‘zulu’? It doesn’t make sense!”

Coworker #2: “Yeah, it would be better if it was zebra.”

Coworker #1: “Or xylophone!”

Me: “… Xylophone starts with an ‘X.'”

Coworker #1: “Oh, yeah…”

(I am the customer, shopping a yarn and knitting shop that is rival to the one I work at. I notice a knitted cardigan on display in the yarn aisles and approach a lady at the counter. I really like it and want to start on it that day.)

Me: “Excuse me. Could you tell me where the pattern is to the blue cardigan hanging in the yarn aisle?”

Cashier: *snapping at me* “You can’t have it for free.”

Me: “I only asked you where it is.”

Cashier: “Well, you can’t have it for free. You HAVE to buy that pattern.”

Me: “I didn’t ask for you to give to me for free. I asked you where it was.”

Cashier: “It’s in a book and I’m not about to give it to you for free.”

Me: “Okay, will you tell me which book it is in?”

Cashier:  *points to book on display BEHIND the counter*

Me:  “Can I see it, please?”

Cashier: “It’s not free. You have to buy the whole book.”

Me:  “I NEVER ASKED FOR IT FOR FREE!”

(I go off to look for the recommended yarn. Another staff member walks through the yarn section.)

Me:  “Excuse me. Do you know where this yarn is?”

Staff Member: “I don’t know anything about the yarn section.” *walks off*

(I head over to counter and pull my out phone to ring my work.)

Me: “Hey, [Colleague]. I’m at [Rival Store] and am being given shocking customer service. Can you check to see if we carry this knitting book and yarn please?”

(It turned out we did. I just had to wait a couple of days till my next shift.)