(Note: I am at work, doing dishes while my dad is waiting to hear back from the doctor with some very important test results.)

Me: *to coworker* “Do you mind if I go on break? I’m very worried about my dad and I would like to call and see how he’s doing. I’ve finished all the dishes.”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “…Pardon?”

Coworker: “You’re not done with all the dishes.”

(She then smirks and throws a big pile of dishes on the floor.)

Coworker: “Well, what are you waiting for? Clean this up!”

(I clean all the dishes up and have a chat with my boss the next day. My coworker is fired. But, before she leaves, she defecates on my car and draws a picture of male genitalia with her own feces. She’s 45… much too old to be pooing on cars!)

(I am a customer at a hardware store. They sell padlocks to which all the utility companies have skeleton keys, for locking up your switchboard. They’re very expensive and super-strong. I’m calling the store after being unable to unlock mine.)

Me: “I bought a power utility-compliant padlock for my meter box last week, and now it won’t open.”

Employee: “Are you using the key?”

Me: “I tried both keys that came with the lock.”

Employee: “Did they work?”

Me: “No, that’s why I’m calling.”

Employee: “Well, if you bring it back, we’ll replace it.”

Me: “That might be difficult.”

Employee: “Why?”

Me: “…”

(I am ordering tickets for a concert.)

Salesperson: “Okay, can I have your name please?”

Me: “Yes, my first name is Stephen with a ‘P H’ and my last name is [last name].”

Salesperson: “Thank you, Pheven! You should receive your tickets in about a week.”

(My mum has a dislike for dishonest telemarketers, and has no qualms wasting their time. One day, just such a telemarketer calls, and my mom answers.)

Mum: “Hello?”

Telemarketer: “Hi, I’m calling you from the Windows Service Centre. We’ve been informed you’re downloading a virus every time you open Windows.”

Mum: *sarcastically* “Oh, really? I’m looking at my windows now, and they’re fine.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, no, we’ve been informed of a virus. If you can open Windows, I will help you fix—”

Mum: “But my windows are already open!”

Telemarketer: “N-no, those are the windows in your house.”

Mum: “Yeah, I’m opening and closing them right now. What is it you want me to do with them exactly?”

Telemarketer: “Open your Windows, please.”

Mum: “But they are open! There’s a lovely breeze as well.”

Telemarketer: “No! The Windows on your computer!”

Mum: “Oh yeah, I don’t have a computer.”

Telemarketer: *click*

(I am sitting at work talking to one of my coworkers. Note: I am originally Danish.)

Coworker: “So, you speak Danish, right? That’s not the same as Dutch, is it?”

Me: “No, Dutch people are from The Netherlands.”

Coworker: “Oh, okay. So, if you speak Danish, are you from Finland then?”