(My husband and I go to a popular restaurant that makes great shakes in different flavors including half one flavor, half another.)
Me: *to waiter after looking at the shake flavors* “Is it possible to get 1/2 banana and 1/2 chocolate?”
Waiter: *pauses, then looks thoughtful* “Well, we have a 1/2 chocolate and 1/2 banana. Will that do?”
Me: “…”
(I am an hourly supervisor of a large retail chain, overseeing the checkouts. A gentleman comes up to me to request a manager:)
Gentleman: “I’d like to see a manager.”
Me: “I am a manager, sir. How may I help?”
Gentleman: “I want a manager.”
Me: “Yes, sir. What is this in regards to?”
Gentleman: “I’m not happy with something the company is practicing.”
Me: “Okay. Is it something to do with the registers? Or a policy?”
Gentleman: “I want a manager. I’m not happy with something the company is practicing!”
Me: “Okay, sir. I’ll call a manager up here for you.”
(I call for a manager on the walkie. The manager comes up, talks to the gentleman, and afterwards request to speak to me.)
Manager: “Next time a customer wants to talk to a manager, make sure you know what it’s about!”
Me: “Yes, I asked him multiple ti—”
Manager: “No! Make sure you know! He was upset about the pharmacy, which I couldn’t help him with! YOU just wasted my time! Make sure you know!”
Me: *sighs*
(I work in the kitchen of a café, which is affiliated with the nightclub next door, and there are various doors and hallways that connect cafe, kitchen, and club. The bosses of the café and club are married. As you can imagine, despite them officially being separate businesses, pretty much everything is connected in some way. When I start my morning shift at 6 am, most of the bartenders are still there or getting ready to leave.)
Bartenders: *coming into the kitchen* “Oh, man, it’s so unfair. We’ve been working all night and now you come in here and bake croissants and make everything smell delicious.”
Me: “Well, I just finished this batch. You can have them if you want. There’s also cheese and ham if you want to grill it.”
Bartenders: “Really?! We were just joking…”
(The croissants are ridiculously cheap and the café staff eats for free anyway, so I figure my boss won’t mind.)
Me: “Yeah, go ahead. I’ll just make some new ones for the cafe.”
Bartenders: “This is the best!” *everyone’s happily assembling cheese croissants* “You know, the girl who worked here before would scream at us if we even tried to walk through the kitchen, let alone ask for any food! She said we were all just drunken a**holes trying to steal from [Café Boss].”
Me: “Well, I hope I won’t get in trouble with [Café Boss]. If so I’ll just pay for the croissants this once.”
Bartenders: “Nah, if she gets angry, just send her to us and we’ll explain. [Nightclub Boss] has been thinking of getting us some breakfast now and then, anyway.”
(My boss didn’t mind when I asked her about it, as long as I wrote down what the people from the club ate, for accounting. Now most of the bartenders jokingly call me ‘kitchen mama‘ for feeding them in the morning, and I’ve never had to pay for a drink at the club! Goes to show what being nice can do.)
(I answer the telephone at my work and get scam calls all the time. Instead of trying to call them out on their scam I decide I would scam them back instead.)
Scammer: “Hello. I am calling from [Well Known Photocopy Manufacturer] to confirm that we have updated information on file. Can you tell me the make and model of your photocopier?”
Me: “Certainly I can help you with that! It’s a Bugatti FU7510.”
Scammer: “Bu- Errrr, I’m sorry. Could you repeat that, please?”
Me: “Bugatti FU7510.”
Scammer: “Hmmmm, I don’t seem to have that on my list. Are you sure that’s correct?”
Me: “Oh, yes. The machine is right in front of me and it clearly says Bugatti FU7510.”
Scammer: “That is strange. I have never heard of a model called Bugatti before.”
Me: “Really? Well we’ve had this machine for a few years now and it’s the best one we’ve ever had. Very, very fast and quite stylish, too!”
Scammer: “Really? Okay, well I’ve made note of it. Thank you.”
Me: “Oh you are MOST welcome! Have a great day!!”
(Every time they call I come up with some name for the make and model off the top of my head but I always start the model number with ‘FU’ for obvious reasons.)
(I have sent an email to a sales rep asking for more information before I can set up a user to the website. The first message asks for the following: First Name, Last Name, Email, and if the customer should be invoiced. The following is a two-day email thread that continues after the initial message.)
Sales Rep: “Is it done yet?”
Me: “No. You still need to fill in the information I have requested. I can’t create a login until I have the info.”
Sales Rep: “My customer wants to place an order. Are you done?”
Me: “I need the customer’s First Name, Last Name, Email Address, and if the customer wants to be invoiced.”
Sales Rep: “Yes.”
Me: “Okay… Yes, what? That did not answer any of the questions. Let me call you and ask for the info.”
(I call and leave voicemails on the rep’s office line and personal cell phone. She never calls me back, so this continues to the next email.)
Me: “You did not answer your phone, so I am emailing again. I need the customer’s First Name, Last Name, Email Address, and if we need to invoice the customer.”
Sales Rep: “Yes. Do that.”
Me: *sadly realizing that I have to spell it out* “What is the customer’s first name?”
Sales Rep: “Jeremy.”
Me: “Okay. What is his last name?”
Sales Rep: “[Last Name].”
Me: “Great. Now, what is his email address?”
Sales Rep: “It is [Email Address].”
Me: “All right! One more question. Does the customer want to be invoiced?”
Sales Rep: “Yes.”
Me: “I can set up the account now. Here is the login information…”
Sales Rep: “About time! Why did you take so long?”
