(One of our three physicians has just announced his impending retirement.)

Whole Office: “Noooo!”

Doctor: “It’s not until summer! I can’t leave until I find a replacement anyway. There’s a nice young man who’s looking at coming here. He’ll be visiting on Monday.”

Coworker #1: “No! We’ll be on our worst behavior! ”

Me: “Like the Von Trapp kids!”

Coworker #2: “And we’ll scare him away so you can’t leave!”

Doctor: “Now, now, it’ll be all right! He’s young, but train up a doctor in the way he should go…”

(It’s kind of a joke in the office that the nurses used to ‘train’ the doctor by using chocolate as a reward for getting appointments done on time.)

Coworker #3: “So we leave chocolate on his desk until he figures out our schedules?”

Me: “But what if he doesn’t like chocolate?”

Coworker #3: *horrified expression* “Then he doesn’t belong.”

(I am taking the bus home from my university campus. Upon seeing my stop coming up, I pull the cord to signal to the driver to stop. Normally, a bell sounds to signal that the pull has been registered, but in this case nothing happens to signal that the pull has been registered. At the same time, three other students each pull the cord, with short intervals. We have no way to know if the driver has noticed our signals, but as we approach the stop sign, he slows down and comes to a stop. However, he doesn’t open the rear doors as usual and instead gets on the speaker system in the bus.)

Driver: “Please exit through the front door.”

(As the four of us line up to exit, he stops each of the students in front of me and tells them individually, in a stern voice, that they only need to pull the stop cord once. They are all international students, as am I, and seem somewhat confused by his admonition, but just nod and walk off the bus. As it is my turn, I decide to tell the driver that the signal bell isn’t working, even if it should be obvious to him.)

Driver: *sternly* “You only need to ring the bell once to signal for me to stop.”

Me: “Yes, I know. However, your bell isn’t working, so we couldn’t know if you knew we needed to get off.”

Driver: “But I get a signal up here on the instrument panel, and that works just fine, so only pull the cord once.”

Me: “Yes, but WE couldn’t hear the bell ring, so we didn’t know.”

Driver: “But I saw the signal just fine. You only need to pull once.”

Me: “Yes, I understand, but WE couldn’t hear it, so how are we supposed to know the pull registered?”

Driver: “But I saw the signal. You only have to pull once.”

Me: “But WE DIDN’T!”

Driver: “But I saw it just fine.”

Me: *at this point, I realize we are going to be here all day, if I keep this up* “Great! I know that already.”

Driver: *as I exit the bus* “You should only pull the cord once.”

(Our office is in an industrial complex, where a number of warehouses share a single building. Each business has its own front door and address. Our office was created after the original floor plan, from sections of other warehouses, and they neglected to add a number on our front door. Still, our address ends in ’58’ and the neighbors have their numbers on display, with a ’56’ and ’60.’)

Courier: *coming from adjacent business* “Wow, I couldn’t find you guys.”

Me: “We’re right here, at [address].”

Courier: “Yeah, but you have no number out front.”

Me: “I know. It’s a pain, but we’re right here between [two adjacent addresses].”

Courier: “I’ve been driving around for half an hour.”

Me: “Why didn’t you call us?”

Courier: “I didn’t have your number.”

Me: “But we received a call earlier, saying you were going to be late.”

Courier: “That was dispatch. I never received any information.”

Me: “So, you couldn’t call dispatch to call us?”

Courier: “No. Like I said, I’ve been driving around trying to find you guys for 30 minutes.”

Me: “Oh, well, sorry. Like I said, we’re right between ’56’ and ’60.'”

Courier: “Yeah, but there was no number. I can’t tell where you are if there’s no number…”

(Because I lived in the US for a while, I have a US-based Skype phone number. However, I have since returned to the UK. I receive this call:)

Automated Message: “If you are the homeowner, you are eligible for free installation of a full home security system, with local 24/7 monitoring! If you are interested in this offer, please press 1.”

Me: *to friend* “Got nothing better to do right now.” *presses 1*

Agent: “Thank you for your interest. Can you confirm that you are the homeowner?”

Me: “I am.”

Agent: “Excellent.”

(They then proceed to explain all the benefits of their security system, making particular emphasis on the local-ness of their monitoring centres.)

Agent: “Now, sir, do you have any questions?”

Me: “Yes, actually. I was wondering if you could tell me exactly where your local monitoring station is.”

Agent: “Sure. Where do you live?”

Me: “Slough.”

Agent: “What state is that in?”

Me: “England.”

(They hung up immediately, and my friend and I laughed for hours!)

(Where I work, we are required to wear badges to get in the building and identify ourselves. The lanyards do not have to be from the company. I have recently bought a Doctor Who inspired lanyard with the words ‘Police Box’ printed all over it. This happens when we get a new administrator.)

Admin: “What is that?” *points to my lanyard*

Me: “Oh, it’s my Doctor Who lanyard. The Doctor flies around time and space in the TARDIS, which is disguised as a police box.”

Admin: “Well, you can’t wear that anymore.”

Me: “Why not? ”

Admin: *sighs* “Because it says ‘POLICE’ on it. People might mistake you for an officer! I won’t have the company name soiled because you got arrested for impersonating a police officer!”

(I continued to wear the lanyard anyway. I guess when you’re hardly on the floor of a call center with 200 employees, you tend to forget little things like criminal activity!)