(It’s near closing time and I have been chatting with the associate as she rings up my clothing. Note that I’m an astrophysicist and have mentioned this earlier in the conversation.)

Sales Associate: “Can I ask you something, honestly?”

Me: *warily* “…sure?”

Sales Associate: “Do you believe in aliens?”

Me: “Um, well, it’s really unlikely that we’re the only form of life in the whole universe, but I don’t really believe we could be, you know, visited by any other life form. I mean, the universe is a really big place and they come here to leave crop circles? Hah!”

Sales Associate: *looking around* “Well it’s just that I have always had a special connection with aliens wherever I go. Here you go!” *she hands me my bags*

Me: “Oh. Okay! Thanks! We’ve got to get going now. I mean, it’s quite late.”

(I begin making my way to the door; my sisters are already heading out, having heard the conversation. The sales associate comes out from behind the counter and follows me.)

Sales Associate: “I used to live in New Mexico and I saw these lights this one time. And now that I’m here I’ve had quite a few experiences.”

Me: “Well, I am sure that you’ve had experiences that are super special to you. That’s fantastic. As to whether or not they were aliens, well, it’s all in what you believe.”

(She seizes my hand.)

Sales Associate: “You are absolutely right. Yes, thank you. You’re the first person to believe me.”

Me: *inching away and trying to not rip my hand from her grasp* “Well, as long as you believe it yourself, that’s what is important. I mean, it doesn’t matter what anyone else believes, what I believe.”

Sales Associate: *finally letting me go* “Yes! Thank you so much. Okay, you have a good day now! Thank you! Thank you for believing in me!”

(Sometimes we get customers who don’t realise that we have so many variations of different meats. This happens on a day when my coworker is tired and on her last nerve, and is therefore being rather unhelpful.)

Customer: “I’d like some of that one, please.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “The salami.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “The mild.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: *irked* “The Hungarian.”

Coworker: “Which one?”

Customer: “Gah! The one that isn’t free range!”

Coworker: *smiles brightly* “Coming right up, sir!”

(The customer looked about ready to smash his head onto the counter. Occasionally when I order something from this coworker I’ll repeat the above conversation just for a laugh. For some reason she never finds it funny.)

Customer: “I’m looking for headphones. Do you know any good brands?”

Worker: “None of our headphones work here.”

Customer: “Wait, what?”

Worker: “None of them work. They’re all broken at the moment.”

Customer: “What do you mean none of them work? I saw lots of headphones back there. One of them is bound to work. I just want to make sure I’m getting the best brand.”

Worker: “Well, none of these headphones work here. I recommend going to a different store. There’s another one in [Location].”

Customer: “Okay, but this seems a little odd here. I came here before for video games music, laptops, and movies. You guys always have enough of those appliances.”

Worker: “I know it sounds strange but I don’t know what else to tell you. These headphones don’t work. In fact we barely ever have working headphones. I try to tell the manager but he tells me that they work fine. But, when I try them, I can’t get any of them to work, ever. I read the instructions and manuals but they are completely useless and don’t help at all.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll just go to the other branch. Is it all right if you recommend some brands for me to try out at least?”

Worker: “I told you literally none of the brands I’m familiar with work.”

Customer: “Can you at least tell me the popular brands people often buy?”

Worker: “Well the most popular brands are AT&T, Verizon, Samsung Galaxy phones, the IPhone 6 and IPhone 6+, and Blackberries. Those headphones usually sell the best…”

(I have to go for a diagnostic mammogram to follow up on an anomaly that showed up on my screening mammogram. Understandably, I am a bit nervous that I may have cancer. I have the new imaging done and I am called back into the examining room for my results. The tech pulls up my images on the computer and began to click on certain areas of the image.)

Tech: “Wow, that’s odd.” *silence* “Huh, that is really strange.” *more silence then exclaims* “Oh, my God!”

(The tech runs out of the room. Needless to say I am feeling very scared. Another lady comes and starts clicking on the images.)

Woman: “Wow, that is odd. I have never seen anything like this before, I hope this isn’t fatal.”

(At this point I am fighting back tears and am shaking like a leaf.)

Woman: “Well, I guess we will have to shut it down and reboot.”

Me: “Are you kidding me?! I was terrified!”

(I never get an apology for scaring me. To add insult to injury, the original tech asks me:)

Tech: “Have you had any trauma to the chest, as we can’t find the anomaly that sent you here originally.”

Me: “The only chest trauma I experienced was from the second mammogram!”

Tech: “Well, you don’t have to be so snarky.”

(I am trying to find no-mess pop streamers for my wedding. I call a local party supply store.)

Me: “Hi! I need some no-mess pop streamers. Do you carry them?”

Employee: “We have these popper things that release confetti.”

Me: “I really need the no-mess kind that keeps the streamer attached. Do you have those?”

Employee: “Well, what these do is, when you pop them confetti comes out.”

Me: “Yes, I know! Are they the no mess kind?”

Employee: “Ummm… you pull the string and these pop and confetti comes out. We have lots of those.”

Me: “…okay. Thanks.”

(I just went with birdseed.)