(My boss is notorious for giving conflicting information and changing her mind about things. It drives us all mad as we can’t figure out which way she’ll jump next. This client has called in at 4:55 pm and has been very argumentative, eventually asking for a manager.)

Me: “[Boss], this guy needs to speak to a manager. Can you take it?”

Boss: “No, it’s too late. Tell him I will call him back tomorrow.”

Me: “Okay.” *back to customer* “I’m sorry, the boss has gone home already. Can I get her to call you back tomorrow?”

(The guy is fine with this. We make a joke about it and he leaves a little happier than when he was complaining. However, the next day I get a very long email about how it was inappropriate for me to say that she had gone home and that it made her look unprofessional, etc. Fast forward three months later…)

Me: “[Boss], I’ve got a client demanding to speak to a manager.”

Boss: “Tell him I’ve gone home and I’ll call him back tomorrow.”

Me: “…”

(I think I need a new job!)

(My mother and I are in a drive-thru at a popular doughnut shop where the owner usually takes the orders himself.)

Owner: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

Mother: “One medium iced mocha latte, one decaf—”

Owner: “Iced mocha latte?”

(The usual response after this is ‘we don’t do that,’ even if mocha is one of their listed flavorings for iced coffee.)

Mother: “Yes. A medium iced latte, mocha flavored, please.”

Owner: “How do you want that?”

(We exchange baffled looks.)

Me: *to mother* “Iced… with milk and chocolate?”

Owner: *over me* “You want sugar and whipped cream?”

Mother: “Oh. Sugar, no whipped cream.”

Owner: “Okay. What else?”

Mother: “An iced decaf coffee with milk and [sugar substitute], and two [special doughnuts].”

Owner: “Okay, iced coffee and two doughnuts. So that’s one small iced mocha and one medium iced coffee with milk and [sugar substitute]?”

Mother: “They should both be mediums, and the iced coffee should be decaf.”

Owner: “Oh, okay. One medium iced latte with mocha and one iced decaf with cream and [sugar substitute].”

Mother: *giving up* “Right. And two [doughnuts].”

Owner: *cheerfully* “And two [doughnuts]. Please drive to the window!”

(Our coffees were both larges. We just hoped that my mother’s was actually decaf. But I did learn that if you say ‘iced latte, mocha’, then they understand much faster!)

(A few years ago, after my mom passes away, I spend a lot of time cleaning out her apartment. The phone rings.)

Caller: “Is [Mom] available?”

Me: “This is her daughter. Could I ask how you know my mother?”

Caller: “I have a great deal to offer her on her long distance service.”

Me: “I’m sorry, my mother passed away a few days ago. Please remove her from your list.”

Caller: “So, are you the one making the decisions about long distance service?”

Me: *swears at the guy and hangs up*

(I have been working at a recently opened bookstore for over six months. One day, I take advantage of our special ordering system and order an audio book that I’ve wanted for quite a while. One morning, about seven hours before I am supposed to come into work, I receive a call from my manager.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name].”

Manager: *in a very professional tone* “Hi, [My Name]. This is [Manager] from [Bookstore]. How are you today?”

Me: “Hi, [Manager]. I’m good, thank you.”

Manager: “Good, good. I just wanted to let you know that your special order was received today.”

Me: *giggling* “Oh, excellent. Thank you.”

Manager: “You are so welcome. I do want to let you know that we will hold the order behind the register for two weeks, and if you do not come in then, we will unfortunately have to send it back.”

(The entire time, he does not stop his professional intonation and treatment of me as a customer, and I am nearly dying of laughter.)

Me: “You made my morning, [Manager]. Thank you.”

Manager: “You are so welcome, [My Name]. I will notate that I called you, and you can just let us know your last name when you pick it up.”

Me: *deciding to play along* “Hmmm… how about I come in around 6:30?”

(6:30 is when I am supposed to start my shift.)

Manager: “6:30 would be great. We will see you then.”

Me: “Okay. Bye, [Manager].”

Manager: “Thank you. Buh-bye.”

(In short, I love my job.)

(We have lost a few people recently, meaning more work for everyone. I have taken on running a department on top of my full-time job.)

Boss: “[My Name], where are you with [main task]?”

Me: “Well, to be honest I’m getting a bit behind.”

Boss: “What?! Why?”

Me: “Well I’m running a whole department now.”

Boss: “That doesn’t take long. Just get [Worker] to do it.”

Me: “You want me to get him to manage supplier contacts? He just isn’t capable; you know that.”

Boss: “Oh, well, yes, but the rest he can do.”

Me: “Like the massively important new production line?”

Boss: “Well, no…”

Me: “Or how about—” *I list other items that can only be done by me*

Boss: “Well, no, you would have to do all that. But I still don’t see why you can’t do your main job.”

(Up to today, I still get blamed for not doing my ‘own’ job.)