(I’m at a prix-fixed Fourth of July dinner at a beachfront seafood restaurant. It is $100 per person, and we are a table of 10. Being a vegetarian, there isn’t anything on the menu that I can eat. The waitress tells me that they have a plain pasta dish as an alternative, and I agree to that. Service has been slow and sporadic. It takes forever to get appetizers and drinks. Over two hours later, dinner is finally served.)

Me: “This isn’t plain pasta.”

Server: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “No, there are clearly chunks of chicken in it. This was supposed to be vegetarian.”

Server: “Then it is.”

Me: “Chicken is not vegetarian.”

Server: “Okay. I’ll get you a new plate.”

(A few moments later, he comes back with a dish and puts it in front of me quickly before walking away.)

Me: “This is the exact same plate.”

Friend: “Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes! Look! They only picked out the chunks of chicken that were on top. There’s still chicken underneath.”

(Needless to say, a manager was called for and the heads of our party chewed him out. I wasn’t surprised to find out that the restaurant ended up going out of business later on.)

(I am an avid crocheter despite being only eighteen. I am in the middle of making a stuffed toy for my young cousin for her birthday when I realize I am missing one of the colors of yarn that I need. I go to a large retail store in my area to pick some up and head over to the craft aisle, but I don’t see the color in question. I flag down a store employee.)

Me: “Excuse me, but do you possibly have any cream-colored yarn in the back? I’m not seeing any on the shelves.”

Employee: “Cream-colored yarn…” *stares at the shelf for a few moments*

Me: “Yeah, I looked the whole section up and down a few times. Didn’t see any out. Could you check the back?”

Employee: “Cream-colored yarn…”

Me: “Um… yes… As I said, there doesn’t appear to be any out here.”

Employee: “Oh, okay. I’ll go check the back for you!”

Me: *resisting the urge to face-palm* “Do you mind if I tag along? Last time I asked someone to get yarn from the back, they came back with the wrong colors. It’ll save you a trip.”

Employee: *suddenly extremely panicked* “NO! Customers are NOT ALLOWED in the back! You can’t come! I SAID NO!”

Me: *wide-eyed and backing off* “All right, all right! I get it!”

(I’m now convinced that place hides dead bodies in the back. Also, the employee came back with bright yellow yarn.)

(I need a new psychologist to treat several continuing issues. A nurse is conducting the standard intake interview.)

Nurse: “Have you ever been admitted to a psychiatric hospital?”

Me: *provides details*

Nurse: “Are you currently having any suicidal thoughts?”

Me: “No.”

Nurse: “Have you ever COMMITTED suicide?”

(I was struck speechless for a moment. Before I could think of a snappy comeback, she recovered and asked the question she meant to:)

Nurse: “Have you ever ATTEMPTED suicide?”

(I am training a new hire to work as a cashier. She has been informed that in addition to completing several computer modules, she will need to memorize 50 PLU codes for fruits and vegetables and pass a test on them before she can complete her training.)

Me: “So here’s the PLU list. You have a couple of weeks before your test; just learn a few new codes every day and you’ll ace it!

Trainee: “Okay!”

(A week passes.)

Me: “So, how are you getting on with those codes?”

Trainee: “Oh, really good! I know all the potatoes!” *looks at me for approval*

Me: *nodding encouragingly* “Okay, that’s three, what else?”

Trainee: “Well… that’s it right now, but… ALL the potatoes. That’s good, right?”

Me: “…”

Trainee: “I’ll keep working on it, I promise.”

(At her next training session, I asked again about her progress on the codes. She avoided eye contact and gave a vague answer. I warned her that the test was coming up soon and reminded her she would need get at least 80% to pass. She said she would be fine and brushed me off. She didn’t pass.)

(When I bought my house, I got a home warranty that’s basically an HMO for houses. If I need repair to something covered, I call a central number and they send out a repair person from the appropriate business: plumber, electrician, whatever. So one morning, I wake up and go out to my living room and my ceiling fan has come loose from its moorings and is just hanging there by the wires. After freaking out a bit, I called the home warranty folks.)

Me: “Uh, yeah, I have home warranty number [my info here], and I need… I guess an electrician, ASAP. My ceiling fan in my living room is hanging from the ceiling by its wiring.”

Scheduler: “Okay, I’ve got someone from [Business] who can come out on Monday.” *It’s Thursday*

Me: “No, I don’t think you understand. It is HANGING by its WIRING. In the middle of my living room. Where it could fall, possibly on people, at any time. This is really kind of an emergency.”

(So, after some wrangling, I get them to dispatch someone to come out within the next couple of hours. I can tell they’re using their “humoring the crazy lady” voices, but I don’t even care, because this really is an emergency, although it sort of boggles me that they don’t seem to get that. So later that day, the electrician shows up, and I show him into the room with the fan — and he stops dead in the doorway, gaping.)

Electrician: “HOOOOOLLLLEEEEE…! It’s really hanging by the wires!”

Me: “That’s what I said! About how I said it, too.”

Electrician: “I’ve been doing this 16 years, and about once a month we get a ‘hanging by the wires’ call, and every other time, it’s just been that the canopy that covers up the attachment fell down, but the actual down-rod is still in place. I’ve never seen one before that actually was hanging by the wires.”

Me: “Well, that does explain why the scheduler seemed a lot less bothered than I thought the situation warranted!”

Electrician:“Yeah, they probably thought it was the usual crazy… Uh.”

Me: *laughing* “Oh, no offense. Because clearly crazy customer stories are nothing to do with ME, right?”

(At this point he’s laughing, too.)

Electrician: “Right! You mind if I take a picture before I get started? Otherwise they’re never going to believe this back at the office. It’s NEVER the wiring!”