(A friend and coworker of mine surprised me with a case of Coca Cola in glass bottles for my birthday, so the both of us decide to drink one with our lunch. Our manager comes in and sees us drinking them.)

Manager: “Are you two drinking beer at work?”

Coworker: “No, it’s Coke. See?”

(She holds it up so he can see the label.)

Manager: “Don’t lie to me! Coke doesn’t come in glass bottles! You’re drinking beer, aren’t you?”

Me: “But Coke does come in glass bottles! They sell them at the [Grocery Store Chain]!”

Manager: “I go to the [Grocery Store Chain] all the time and I’ve never seen them selling Coke in glass bottles!”

Me: “Okay, fine. We’re not drinking Coke; it’s ‘Nuka Cola.'”

(Nuka Cola is a radioactive soda from a video game.)

Manager: “Oh, well, why didn’t you say so? Sorry to interrupt your lunch break. Make sure one of you reorganizes the shelves in the reptile section before you get off your shift. They’re a mess.”

(In my store, we answer the phone with ‘thank you for calling [Store]; this is [My Name]. How can I help you?’)

Me: *answering phone* “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”

(After finding out what the caller is seeking, I get on the radio to page a coworker:)

Me: *into radio* “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is…”

(I only realized what I was doing when the manager gave me a very confused look. After a pause, my coworkers burst out laughing. I guess I needed to watch when I was going into autopilot at the store!)

(Onboard Navy ships, it’s requirement to submit a daily ‘muster report’ to the chain of command. The report details who is present, absent, on leave, etc., so that each person is accounted for. A fellow sailor gets a visit from the division officer (divo).)

Divo: “[SAILOR]! WHY DIDN’T YOU SEND IN THE MUSTER REPORT?!”

Sailor: “Sir? I sent it in this morning right after quarters.”

Divo: “NO, YOU DIDN’T! THEY NEVER RECEIVED IT! WHY DIDN’T YOU SEND IT IN?!”

Sailor: *checks email logs* “There it is, sir. The email time/date stamp matches.”

Divo: *scowl* “Well, why didn’t you call them up to make sure they got it?”

Sailor: “…”

Divo: “Well, from now on you have to call them up after you send the email to make sure they get it.”

(So, yes, even though [Sailor] had sent the report in on time, and had never had a glitch like that before, Divo still felt it was “his fault” for it not showing up on time. And to be honest, the ship’s admins didn’t appreciate Divo’s orders either since [Sailor] indeed called them up every time he sent in the muster report, especially since we were just one division out of a hundred, at least.)

(I have lost most of my voice and go to see the doctor to make sure that I am not contagious and can safely go to work. The doctor clears me, but tells me that I should probably get some rest instead. Knowing we’ll be busy, I go to work and spend 11 hours helping customers, cleaning, and doing my regular job duties. Because it’s the holidays, we are especially busy, so I skip my lunch and dinner breaks. At the end of the night, my regular manager compliments me on my performance and gives me meal vouchers for skipping my breaks and helping out. Right after this, I get called into the general manager’s office for a chat. Note that my already hoarse voice is now just the barest whisper since I’ve been talking to customers all day and evening.)

Me: *whispering as loudly as possible* “[General Manager], you wanted to see me? Is something wrong?”

General Manager: “No, everything’s great. I just wanted to talk to you about your performance today.”

Me: *thinking he’s going to compliment me* “Oh, I didn’t mind skipping my breaks or anything. We were really busy!”

General Manager: “No, it’s not that. I’m just really disappointed in you.”

Me: “What? Why?”

General Manager: “How dare you come in here with half a voice. That’s not the image we want to project about [Company]!”

Me: “But I was cleared by the doctor. I’m not contagious. Next time should I take the day off instead?”

General Manager: “Don’t worry about it. You’re fired. Take your things and leave immediately. And you owe us $5 for your work shirt.”

(This was only the second week the restaurant had been open, and the general manager had fired at least a dozen people for similar things so far. The website says that the company treats its employees like beloved family!)

(An older gentleman has placed a rather difficult glasses order with very thin lenses which are very easily chipped and so our lab has had to reorder the lenses twice already. My manager has assured the patient his glasses will be ready on a particular date. When he comes into store, I am sent to check in the lab for his glasses. I am a young, fairly attractive woman.)

Me: “[Manager], the lenses have been chipped again; [Patient] is going to be really upset.”

Manager: “Do you think you could tell him?”

Me: “Well, no offence, but I’m not the one who he spoke to last time. He’s going to ask for a manager at any rate.”

Manager: “But you could look all pretty and flirt with him and then he won’t shout!”

(When I refused to do so, the patient stormed out. The owner gave him the glasses for free when they were eventually made up.)