(My coworker speaks English only as a third language so he does a lot of literal translations.)
Coworker: “I’m feeling myself like Superman!”
Me: “Um, you probably should not phrase it like that.”
Coworker: “So, how would you say that you’re feeling yourself like Superman?”
Me: “I wouldn’t.”
This story is part of the Superman roundup.
(It’s midwinter and raining, and I’ve gotten off work quite late, so I decide to pick up a pizza for my family and take a cab home to save time. I ask the cabbie if it is okay, and he says no problem. We start driving toward my apartment.)
Driver: “To be honest with you, I’m starving. I was just thinking about taking a break and grabbing some dinner. I hope you don’t mind me cracking the windows? The smell’s driving me crazy.”
Me: *awkwardly* “Haha, no problem! Sorry about this.”
(As he drives, he keeps making small comments about how hungry he is. I’m feeling really guilty, and I half-considered trying to leave him a slice. We get to my apartment and I pay.)
Driver: “Thank you for riding with [Taxi Service]. Make sure you don’t leave anythi— Actually, it’s fine if you do.”
(A friend and coworker of mine surprised me with a case of Coca Cola in glass bottles for my birthday, so the both of us decide to drink one with our lunch. Our manager comes in and sees us drinking them.)
Manager: “Are you two drinking beer at work?”
Coworker: “No, it’s Coke. See?”
(She holds it up so he can see the label.)
Manager: “Don’t lie to me! Coke doesn’t come in glass bottles! You’re drinking beer, aren’t you?”
Me: “But Coke does come in glass bottles! They sell them at the [Grocery Store Chain]!”
Manager: “I go to the [Grocery Store Chain] all the time and I’ve never seen them selling Coke in glass bottles!”
Me: “Okay, fine. We’re not drinking Coke; it’s ‘Nuka Cola.'”
(Nuka Cola is a radioactive soda from a video game.)
Manager: “Oh, well, why didn’t you say so? Sorry to interrupt your lunch break. Make sure one of you reorganizes the shelves in the reptile section before you get off your shift. They’re a mess.”
(In my store, we answer the phone with ‘thank you for calling [Store]; this is [My Name]. How can I help you?’)
Me: *answering phone* “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How may I help you?”
(After finding out what the caller is seeking, I get on the radio to page a coworker:)
Me: *into radio* “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is…”
(I only realized what I was doing when the manager gave me a very confused look. After a pause, my coworkers burst out laughing. I guess I needed to watch when I was going into autopilot at the store!)
(Onboard Navy ships, it’s requirement to submit a daily ‘muster report’ to the chain of command. The report details who is present, absent, on leave, etc., so that each person is accounted for. A fellow sailor gets a visit from the division officer (divo).)
Divo: “[SAILOR]! WHY DIDN’T YOU SEND IN THE MUSTER REPORT?!”
Sailor: “Sir? I sent it in this morning right after quarters.”
Divo: “NO, YOU DIDN’T! THEY NEVER RECEIVED IT! WHY DIDN’T YOU SEND IT IN?!”
Sailor: *checks email logs* “There it is, sir. The email time/date stamp matches.”
Divo: *scowl* “Well, why didn’t you call them up to make sure they got it?”
Sailor: “…”
Divo: “Well, from now on you have to call them up after you send the email to make sure they get it.”
(So, yes, even though [Sailor] had sent the report in on time, and had never had a glitch like that before, Divo still felt it was “his fault” for it not showing up on time. And to be honest, the ship’s admins didn’t appreciate Divo’s orders either since [Sailor] indeed called them up every time he sent in the muster report, especially since we were just one division out of a hundred, at least.)
