(I am having a full dental exam, and shortly after I am seated in the chair, I realize that my keys are poking me in a rather uncomfortable way, and mention this to the dental assistant. She kindly suggests I place them on a countertop in the room, and I do so, along with some insurance papers. At one point during the visit, another male employee in a white coat walks into the room briefly and then leaves. Cut to the end of the visit and I am preparing to leave, when I realize that although my insurance papers are still on the counter, my keys have disappeared!)

Me: “Excuse me, where are my keys? Remember, I left them here?”

Dental Assistant: “Yes, I do, and I don’t know. Are you sure you didn’t pick them up?”

(I check my pockets, we both check the floor, and she even looks in the waste container, but they are nowhere to be seen. By this point I am about to have a panic attack because I am miles from home and have no way to get into my car, or assuming I can get home somehow, to unlock my door.)

Dental Assistant: “Hold on and let me check to see if someone picked them up.”

(She disappears in the back for about three or four minutes, and all the time I am dreading the worst and wondering how I will get home, since there is no public transportation where I live. Finally she returns, keys in hand, with this explanation…)

Dental Assistant: “Another employee thought they were my keys, so he thought he was playing a joke on me by taking them!”

(Needless to say, I had a little chat with the clinic administrator before I left, who seemed genuinely horrified that one of their employees would behave in such an unprofessional manner. I certainly hope that employee at the very least got a good lecture on the inappropriateness of his behavior – after all, for all I know he could have copied my keys while he had them in his possession!)

(I have just finished working graveyard one night, when my boss offers me a ride home. When I accept, she asks if I am willing to do a favor for her.)

Boss: “Before I take you home, I was wondering if you’d be willing to go to [Competitor] to get the price of cigarettes to price match for me? As they know me.”

Me: “Uh, sure.”

(We drive to the other store.)

Boss: “Now, [My Name], just ask them and make sure they don’t think you’re from our store. The manager there knows me.”

Me: “Not a problem.”

(I button up my jacket to hide my work shirt and get the prices.)

Me: “The prices were [prices].”

Boss: “Good work, [My Name], but did you realize you took [Company]’s fountain cup in with you?”

(I have a huge ovarian cyst to be removed and I feel worried, even though I try not to show it. The surgeons need to know precisely how it looks and there’s no MRI equipment in my hospital so I’m having an MRI scan in another hospital. Everything goes smoothly. Then a doctor shows me my results.)

Doctor: “You see? Your cyst is nearly 8 inches long!”

Me: “Yes, I know.”

Doctor: “It’s huge! You need it to be removed!”

Me: “I know. I’m going to show the images to my doctor.”

Doctor: “You don’t seem to understand: your cyst is abnormally big. You need surgery as soon as possible!”

Me: “Yes, I know. The surgeon who’ll remove it told me she needs MRI images, so can I please go home with my results now?”

Doctor: “You should worry.”

Me: “Will the cyst disappear faster if I worry?”

(Captain Obvious, I mean, the doctor let me leave with my images. I gave the cyst a funny nickname because I wanted something to joke about and make the nursing staff smile, even though I was worried. I had surgery shortly afterwards. It was painful and I had an ovary removed with my cyst but I’m fine now.)

(My husband and I are on a group tour through a cave.)

Tour Guide: *at the beginning* “Now make sure you stay behind me! Don’t try to get ahead of me or wander off.”

(We reach the end of the cave and we’re just standing around, admiring it. After a while…)

Me: “Um…” *looks around* “Where’s the guide?”

Other Tour Members: *look around* “Wh… where’d he go? He’s gone!”

(We stood around for a bit waiting to see if he was hiding or something to scare us. He never re-appeared. Fortunately the path was easy to follow, so we all ended up walking back through the cave on our own. I heard he wasn’t working there long after that.)

(I’m working at the service desk and start looking for something. Coworker #1 tells me I left it in the break room, I quickly go and fetch it and come back.)

Me: “Did I miss anything while I was gone?”

Coworker #2: “Yes, actually. A dragon came up to the desk and said, ‘give me your marbles,’ and I said, ‘I don’t have any marbles.’ Then he said, ‘I know you have them,’ so I coughed them up, because that’s where I keep my marbles – inside my body. Then the dragon said, ‘Quickly, boy, get on my back. There’s no time to explain,’ and there were these three guardians on his back and he flew towards the exit, flying so fast he appeared to shrink and time appeared to slow down, and he looked like a beam of light. So, yeah. That’s what you missed while you were gone.”

Me: “All I got out of all that is you lost your marbles.”