(I have a boss who is a pretty hard worker, but has no clue about being professional with his workers. When we go out after a long night to have drinks, he always tags along even if he works early the next day. One night I get crazy drunk and hook up with him, which I really regret. I am terrified it’d be weird at work, but he makes me swear to not tell anyone because he’d lose his job. I figure we are cool, but a couple days after I leave the job for a different position, I am getting a lot of calls and texts from former coworkers, asking me to come over and hang out with them. Finally, I have enough.)

Me: “Okay, what is going on? Why is everyone trying to get in my pants?”

Former Coworker: “Oh, [Boss] said you guys were hooking up all the time at work and that we needed to lay off trying to get with you because you guys were an item. Now he’s mad because he says he dumped you and you had to take the new job so you didn’t have to see him anymore. He said you were good to go with the rest of us, though, so wanna hang out?”

(Definitely didn’t appreciate that he’d given all those guys my number, too, since I never gave it out. I had to block everyone in my phone from that place. Moral of the story is don’t make mistakes with classless people from a crappy place of work!)

(I am shopping at a 24-hour supermarket one night after work. Half past midnight, I’m heading to the checkout. As I approach the sole open lane, the entrance is blocked by a market worker, opening a bottle of pop from the fridge between the lanes. He takes a swig and puts it back in the fridge, center of the top shelf, and moves aside to let me into the lane. The cashier laughs and tells him:)

Cashier: “Don’t leave it there all day again. It’s yucky.”

(I’m living in England but I’m from Ireland. I ring the foreign exchange department of an English bank to find the exchange rate for an upcoming trip home.)

Me: “Hi, I need the current exchange rate for euro, please.”

Foreign Exchange Employee: “What country, please?”

Me: “Ireland.”

Foreign Exchange Employee: “The currency in Ireland is sterling so there’s no exchange rate.”

Me: “Not Northern Ireland, the Republic of Ireland!”

Foreign Exchange Employee: “The currency in the Dominican Republic is the peso. Exchange rate is—”

Me: “Not the Dominican Republic! The Republic of Ireland! It’s the euro! How can you work in foreign exchange and you haven’t heard of the euro? It’s a huge currency!”

Foreign Exchange Employee: “…”

Me: “France. Just give me the exchange rate for France…”

(I’ve been instructed by my supervisor to try and suggestive sell some charity donations that we’re doing, but customers have been really snappy about it when I try.)

Me: “Hey, [Supervisor], how should I sell these?”

Supervisor: “Oh. Um. Emphasize that it’s only a dollar, I guess.”

Me: “So what, like, ‘Would you like to support [Charity] for only a dollar?'”

Supervisor: “Sure. Or like, I don’t know, ‘Save a child’s life for only a dollar. If you don’t donate, you’re directly responsible for a child dying.'”

Me: “I feel like [Store Manager] wouldn’t approve of that.”

Supervisor: “Yeah, but we have a competition going so she doesn’t have to know. Have you seen the stack she’s gotten from the food counter? Pull out all stops. ‘If you don’t donate, you have murdered a sick child. You monster.'”

Me: “Her name’s Jessica. She’s five years old.”

Supervisor: “We’re one dollar away from saving her life.”

Me: “I might stick to just telling them it’s only a dollar.”

Supervisor: “It’s like you don’t even care, [My Name].”

(My best friend and I work at the same place. She calls while I’m on my way to work to remind me to check in with the secretary about our new time sheets, so I go to her office when I get to work.)

Me: “Hey, [Secretary], do we have a working version of the time sheets yet?”

Secretary: “Working on it. I just emailed one to [Friend] to test it.”

(She opens the email thread and immediately bursts out laughing, so of course I lean in to read over her shoulder.)

Friend: “It says I need a password to open it.”

Secretary: “Ballllllllllls…”

Friend: “Is that the password?”