Employee: “Hi, thank you for calling [bank] Online Banking Technical Support. How can I assist you today?”

Me: “Yes, I work at [bank] and am trying to help [person] do their online banking and it keeps saying, ‘Service not available at this time.’ I wanted to see if it was down all over, or if it was just their account.”

Employee: “Our system isn’t down. So, do you know how to clear the cookies from your browser?”

Me: “Yes. Just give me a minute.”

Employee: “Now, are you in Internet Explorer?”

Me: “I’m not in Internet Explorer. I’m in Google Chrome. Is that not supported?”

Employee: *condescendingly* “Honey, Google is a search & email service. It’s not a browser. Are you in FoxFire?”

Me: “No…honey. Google Chrome is a browser.”

Employee: “Is that C-R-O-M?”

Me: “No. C-H-R-O-M-E. You know what? Never mind. I’ll try Explorer. You have a good day…”

(My coworker and I are giving our boss grief about being spacey and not paying attention. This begins as she’s walking out to the sales floor from the stock room we’re all in. Note: We wear all-black uniforms.)

Me: *loud enough for boss to hear* “I bet I could take one of these right from under her nose and she’d never notice.”

Boss: *from sales floor* “No, you couldn’t!”

(My coworker throws me an iPhone box, and I stick it into my belt. It’s pretty hard to miss, with the white box sticking straight out of my pants, silhouetted against my all-black uniform. I make no move to hide it. A few moments later, my boss walks into the stock room.)

Boss: *repeating what she said* “No, you couldn’t.”

(At this point, she walks around me from one side to the other.)

Boss: *points two fingers in a “V” at her eyes, and leans in close* “I’ve got my eyes on you!”

(I’m having a hard time suppressing a smile. My coworker is in open-mouthed shock. Our boss looks back and forth between him and I several times, asking ‘What?’ repeatedly. Finally, she looks down and sees the glaring beacon of white.)

Boss: *laughing to the point of tearing up* “OH MY GOD!”

(From that point on, it became a running story. We told everyone at our store, and even other locations. The last thing I did on my last day working for the company was to tell this story to the new guy. The boss’ reaction? “I’m never gonna live that down!”)

(I am shopping for shoes and am being “helped” by the salesman. Note that there is no language barrier.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think this pair is going to do it.”

Salesman: “What’s the matter with them?”

Me: “They don’t fit.”

Salesman: “But what’s wrong with them?”

Me: “They hurt here…” *pointing* “…and here…” *pointing* “…and they are squashing my toes.

Salesman: *gets agitated* “But what’s wrong with them?!”

Me: “I think the toes may be too pointy. I guess I have rather square feet.”

Salesman: “But you don’t like them?!”

Me: “No, I think my toes are too—”

Salesman: “I can’t help it if you have stupid feet!”

(My manager is adding in the nutritional information for macaroni and cheese into the scale printer.)

Manager: “Wow, I didn’t know that there was so much salt in this mac and cheese! In a medium sized container, there is 50% of your daily sodium.”

Coworker: “What? HALF that container is salt?!”

Manager: “No. I mean a medium sized container of mac and cheese has 50% of your daily salt intake.”

Coworker: “So…half of that mac and cheese is salt?”

Manager: “No, I mean that there is a lot of salt in this mac and cheese. If one was to eat a medium sized container, they would have 50% of their salt.”

Coworker: “Oh, I get it. Half of that is salt!”

(My boyfriend and I have both worked in the service industry for years, so we know it can be rough. We had just bought a couch from a furniture company and it arrived without legs. We have been waiting for hours on hold and speaking with various employees.)

Me: “Hi, my couch just got delivered but it doesn’t have any legs.”

Employee: “Okay…?”

Me: “So, can you have someone come and drop them off?”

Employee: “Hmm…well, you know you can buy legs for a sofa from pretty much any hardware store, right?”

Me: “Yes, but I already bought them from you.”

Employee: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Okay. Well, if you bought a car from a dealership and they gave it to you but it didn’t have wheels, would you ask them where the wheels you already paid for are, or go buy a new set of tires from someone else?”

Employee: “I still don’t really get it.”

Me: “…is there someone else I can talk to?”