(I am a minor, but I love answering the phone in my house, and therefore often talk with many telemarketers. This one, though, takes the cake for strangest call.)

Caller: “Yes, this is [name] from [home security company]. I’d just like to ask a few questions about your home to get a better understanding of the systems that are or should be used in your area. Are you over 18 years of age?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “I’m sorry ma’am, I didn’t catch that. Are you over 18 years of age?”

Me: *loudly and clearly* “NO.”

Caller: *still not understanding* “Alright, and what has your economic situation been in the past month?”

Me: “Well, my allowance went up five dollars!”

(My coworker and I are dusting chocolate bars when this exchange happens.)

Coworker: “Man…Willy Wonka must have, like, so much money!”

Me: “Yeah, but I think that’s Nestle.”

Coworker: “No, like, look at all the candy his company makes! He must just be loaded!”

Me: *playing along* “Uh, yep. Pretty loaded…”

Coworker: “I wonder how he comes up with all this stuff? He must be a mad genius or something!”

(I can’t tell if she’s joking, so I go over and grab a box of Runts, look at the back, and confirm that it’s Nestle.)

Me: “Yeah, definitely Nestle. It says right here on the back.”

Coworker: *ignores me* “I just can’t believe how many products he’s come up with. He seriously must have just so much money!”

Me: “[Coworker], you know that Willy Wonka is not a real person right? He’s a character created by Roald Dahl for a book.”

Coworker: “What?! Are you kidding me?” *laughs hysterically* “This whole time I thought he was a real person!”

(I am shopping for shoes and am being “helped” by the salesman. Note that there is no language barrier.)

Me: “Um, I don’t think this pair is going to do it.”

Salesman: “What’s the matter with them?”

Me: “They don’t fit.”

Salesman: “But what’s wrong with them?”

Me: “They hurt here…” *pointing* “…and here…” *pointing* “…and they are squashing my toes.

Salesman: *gets agitated* “But what’s wrong with them?!”

Me: “I think the toes may be too pointy. I guess I have rather square feet.”

Salesman: “But you don’t like them?!”

Me: “No, I think my toes are too—”

Salesman: “I can’t help it if you have stupid feet!”

(I’ve just had minor surgery on my hand and returned to work. I am wearing a bandage and a glove over that for health and safety reasons. Note that this is Australia, where there are precisely zero bears.)

Coworker: “Why are you wearing a glove?”

Me: *lifts up arm to show her the bandage*

Coworker: “Oooh, how’d that happen? Did you…cut yourself?! Tell me!”

Me: “Nah. Got in a fight with a bear.”

Coworker: “Really? Wow!”

Me: “Yeah, I know, it was intense.”

Coworker: *completely serious* “How’d you get in a fight with a bear?!”

Employee: “Hi, thank you for calling [bank] Online Banking Technical Support. How can I assist you today?”

Me: “Yes, I work at [bank] and am trying to help [person] do their online banking and it keeps saying, ‘Service not available at this time.’ I wanted to see if it was down all over, or if it was just their account.”

Employee: “Our system isn’t down. So, do you know how to clear the cookies from your browser?”

Me: “Yes. Just give me a minute.”

Employee: “Now, are you in Internet Explorer?”

Me: “I’m not in Internet Explorer. I’m in Google Chrome. Is that not supported?”

Employee: *condescendingly* “Honey, Google is a search & email service. It’s not a browser. Are you in FoxFire?”

Me: “No…honey. Google Chrome is a browser.”

Employee: “Is that C-R-O-M?”

Me: “No. C-H-R-O-M-E. You know what? Never mind. I’ll try Explorer. You have a good day…”