Do The Slow-Key Po-Key

| Working | May 6, 2012

Manager: “So, you click “New” to make a new inventory sheet?”

Me: “Yes, right over there.”

Manager: “Now what do I do…type it in?”

Me: “Yes, in the text box.”

(My manager types as slowly as humanly possible.)

Manager: “So, where’s that space key again?”

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The Grinch That Closed Christmas

| Working | May 5, 2012

(I’m sitting in the break room when one of the mall security guards comes in.)

Security Guard: “Well, time to go make some little kids cry!”

Me: “What?!”

Coworker: “You telling them that the line for Santa is closing?”

Security Guard: “Yup!”

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She’s Full Of Crap

| Working | May 4, 2012

(I was sitting at a bar and overheard the bartender talking to another coworker.)

Bartender: “Man, I’m starving. I need to go feed my feces!”

Coworker: “Your feces?”

Bartender: “Yeah, my feces!” *points to stomach*

Coworker: “You mean fetus?”

Bartender: *looks confused*

Coworker: “Fetus is your baby. Feces is your s***.”

Bartender: *completely confused*

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Ooh, Shiny

, | Working | May 4, 2012

(I am standing in the menswear section and can’t find what I’m looking for. An employee walks through.)

Me: “Can I ask you a question?”

Employee: “Sure.”

Me: “Do you sell French cuff shirts?”

Employee: “The kind that buttons up the front?”

Me: “Yes, but the ones you use cufflinks with.”

Employee: “You mean the shiny things?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Employee: “Nope, haven’t seen any!”

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Conspiracy Potpourri

| Working | May 4, 2012

(I work at a spa with a lot of elderly regulars. There is a rumor that some are Freemasons. A conversation with a coworker about Freemasons turns into this.)

Coworker: “Remember that video we saw last time, the one with the news anchors blinking out lizard eyes and stuff?”

Me: “Yeah, I remember that. It’s pretty dumb. I mean, lizard people from space trying to infiltrate and take over our planet? Come on!”

Coworker: “I know, right? It’s totally demons.”

Me: “…What?”

Coworker: “Yeah, demons! You know, like when you get high enough in the Freemason ranks you get possessed by demons. I think some of the guys here may be one of them!”

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