(We have a small office, so small that to get from the manager’s office to the front there is a small hallway where I sit. Every time my manager, who is very heavyset, passes by, he bumps my head with his butt. It is so annoying that one day I work up the courage to say something.)

Me: “Could you stop bumping my head with your butt?!”

Manager: “Sorry, I’m trying to get by here. It’s really tight, isn’t it?”

Me: “Mm.”

(He turns around and faces me, and then tries to squeeze by. This time he bumps me with his FRONT.)

Me: “You know what? Never mind, keep bumping me with your butt.”

(I reserve a room at a bed and breakfast via an online hotel reservation service. A few days later, I get an email saying my reservation could not be honored, and to please call their helpline to resolve the matter. I go outside during my lunch break to call and get things worked out.)

Representative: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you?”

Me: “I booked a room a couple days ago and I just got an email saying it couldn’t be honored and to call here to work it out.”

Representative: “Yes, it looks like the proprietor told us that he had a room available, but he booked it and didn’t let us know, so we didn’t update our site, but the room has been filled.”

Me: *thinking that sounds suspicious, but wanting to get things worked out* “So, what now?”

Representative: “Why did you choose this bed and breakfast? I will search my system and find something comparable.”

Me: “It is right down the road from my mom’s house. I’m not sure you’ll find something nearby; it’s kind of in the middle of nowhere and I don’t want to be much farther away since I’m going home for Mother’s Day.”

Representative: “I’m sure we can find something. I’m going to put you on hold while I search.”

(He puts me on hold for about 10 minutes.)

Representative: “Hello, [My Name], I searched and I found a room at [Budget Nationwide Hotel Chain] in [City 10 miles away]. Would you like me to transfer your booking?”

Me: “Um, that’s not really close by. I was hoping for something closer.”

Representative: “According to our maps, it’s only 3.8 miles from your original booking.”

Me: *thinking it will only be one night and not wanting to fight* “Okay, that’s fine, then.”

Representative: “Okay, the price for this room is $119 per night. Since you booked your other room at $100 a night, we will cover the cost of the increase, but I will need a credit card number to hold the room.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, I just stepped outside to call and I don’t have my wallet with me. Can I call you back later today with my credit card?”

Representative: “There are only a few rooms left. We really need a credit card to reserve the room. We can’t guarantee there will be any rooms left if you don’t reserve it now.”

Me: *starting to get a little annoyed now; they are trying to get me to stay in a budget hotel instead of a bed and breakfast and not making it easy* “I’m sorry, maybe you didn’t hear me – I don’t have my credit card with me. It’s in my office on the 23rd floor of my building. I really can’t give you my credit card number at this time. So…”

Representative: “Do you have a friend nearby? Can you borrow someone else’s card and then use your own card when you get to the hotel?”

Me: *thinking – did you really just ask if I could borrow someone else’s credit card?!* “No, I can’t do that. I’m by myself.”

Representative: “Well, I’m not sure what we can do here.”

Me: “Okay, well, if I can’t call back later, I guess you’d better just cancel everything. I’m not sure what else can be done.”

Representative: “Well, I’ll place a note on your account and you can call back later and we’ll see what we can do for you then.”

Me: *at the end of my rope* “No, just cancel. I’ll take care of finding something else on my own.”

Representative: “Are you sure? There might be something here later if you call back.”

Me: “No, it’s not worth the trouble. Just cancel.”

Representative: “Okay, I’ll send a confirmation of the cancel to [email address].”

(I decided to just call the bed and breakfast directly to see what happened. They did have a room and were able to book me directly.)

(I’m calling to schedule a follow-up appointment for my son.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name]. My son, [Son], was there last Thursday, but we did not set up his next appointment at that time. I’m calling to schedule his follow-up appointment.”

Receptionist: “Your son has an appointment on Thursday?”

Me: “No, he had an appointment last Thursday. I just need to schedule a follow-up.”

Receptionist: “Oh, okay. What is your son’s name?”

Me: *again* “[Son].”

Receptionist: “Hmm… I don’t see him on this Thursday’s schedule.”

Me: “No, he was in LAST Thursday. We’re calling to set up a new appointment.”

Receptionist: “Hang on… I still can’t find him in our system…”

(Several minutes go by.)

Me: “Are you still there?”

Receptionist: “Yes, I just can’t… Oh, wait, here he is. He came in LAST Thursday.”

Me: *slow burn* “Yes, that’s what I said.”

Receptionist: “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(I am working in a roadside restaurant and am fairly new to the job. One slow morning there is just the boss, a coworker, and me on duty. The coworker, who is cooking, goes on his break, and since I can not yet cook the boss takes over cooking the breakfasts while I take orders and serve drinks. I go up to a couple at a table.)

Me: “Hello, what can I get for you?”

Man: *in a Scottish accent* “Two coffees. And two pork steaks on toast, please.”

Me: “Er… right.”

(At the cook’s area I write down the order.)

Boss: *astonished* “Two pork steaks on toast?”

Me: “Yes, that’s what they want.”

Boss: “But are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, I’m sure. That’s what he asked for.”

(She asked me several more times if I was absolutely sure, which I was. So she put two pork steaks into the fryer, later a couple of slices of bread into the toaster, and ten minutes later I was taking the order out to the table. My boss watched me. Her face as she saw the altercation at the table, followed by the sight of me returning with the two plates, was a picture.)

Boss: “I asked if you were sure. You said you were. What did they really want?”

Me: “I misheard. It was the Scottish accent. They want two poached eggs on toast.”

(I am an Australian and applying for Indefinite Leave to Remain in England. It has been a long and expensive process and I have been told I need to pass a “Life in the UK” test. I am eventually called in.)

Employee: “Please, can I have your passport and proof of address?”

(Proof of address must be from a utility company or government issued, and I could not find my driver’s license.)

Me: *hands over documents* “I don’t have a bill as it’s all paperless statements but I have a policy letter.”

Employee: “I can’t accept this. Have you got anything else?”

Me: “Wait, why not? It’s from [Gas and Electricity Supplier] and dated in the last month!”

Employee: “It’s not a bill. They’re very strict on this sort of thing.”

Me: “It’s very convenient for me to get paperless statements so I don’t get any bills. I also couldn’t find my license; don’t drive so it’s easy to lose track of…”

Employee: “I can’t allow you to participate in the test if you cannot produce a bill or license.”

(After clutching at straws and arguing I am eventually sent away. I am not refunded my £50 for booking the test and the train there had cost me £30, plus they are usually booked solid so I basically have one more chance to pass and I haven’t even got to attempt it. I wander around in a daze, go home, and book another test, this time further away with a more expensive train. Take two:)

Employee: “Can I see your proof of address, please?”

Me: *hands over documents* “Here is my license and several letters from all my utilities.”

Employee: *glances and hands them back* “Yep, that’s fine.”

Me: “Wait, you don’t need a copy?”

Employee: “I can see the address matches your file, it’s fine.”

Me: “…”