(I work in the backroom of our store, unpacking boxes of merchandise that come off the trucks. There are no customers, so all of us talk freely while we work. My coworker likes to ask me about myself, even though we have very different interests. It’s also important to note that, because of my schooling and hobbies, I’m not an expert on any given subject, but I tend to know a little bit about a lot of different things.)

Me: *in response to something* “It’s because no one teaches history these days. There are college kids who don’t even know who we fought in the Revolutionary War.”

Coworker: *looks at me nervously* “It was… Britain? Right?”

Me: *relieved* “Yes, the British Empire. And you know who won the Civil War, right?”

Coworker: “Uh, I know it wasn’t the Confederates.”

Me: “Right, the Union. The North.”

(On another day, while I’m reading a book during our lunch break.)

Coworker: “[My Name], did you just laugh?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Coworker: “What’s so funny in there?”

Me: “Uh, it’s hard to explain unless you know what’s going on. It’s a fantasy story, really involved. It’s a lot like Dungeons & Dragons.”

Coworker: “What’s Dungeons & Dragons?”

Me: “Oh. Um. It’s a tabletop game.” *I get a blank stare from her* “Look it up on your phone.”

Coworker: “Okay. How do you spell dungeon?”

Me: *off the top of my head* “D-U-N-G-E-O-N.”

(When we get back from lunch, she opens a box with candles in it.)

Coworker: “Pomello-scented. What’s a pomello?”

Me: “Oh, it’s a type of big citrus fruit, kind of like a grapefruit but sweeter.”

Coworker: “How do you know everything?!”

(My supervisor comes by with a form that has to be filled out and signed by me every week. As he passes it to me he says:)

Supervisor: “Here’s this week’s deal with the devil.”

(I look around the production floor.)

Me: “If I were making a deal with the devil, I GUARANTEE I would have made a better bargain than this.”

(The plasma donation center where I work has been experiencing a saline shortage and as a result has a very strict rule about donors drinking a sports drink before leaving. I’m manning the front desk when I see a man leaving without even touching his drink. I’m a female in my late 20s.)

Me: “Sir, you have to finish that before you leave.”

Manager: “Nah, I’m fine.”

Me: “Sir, it’s the policy.”

Manager: *getting louder and advancing slightly* “What are you going to do if I don’t? Spank me?”

Me: *in my most perfect deadpan* “Not for free, sir.”

(He burst out laughing and finished his drink without complaint.)

(I’m at the bank to make my store’s daily deposit, plus a few other things. The teller is very good at her job and takes care of everything in short order.)

Teller: “Is there anything else I can do for you today?”

Me: *playfully* “Not unless you’re handing out free twenties.”

Teller: *with a perfectly straight face* “Not today, I’m afraid. But I heard they might be giving them out on Sunday.”

(My colleague and I have stopped at [Popular Fast Food Chain] for a meal on our way home. We are both vegetarian.)

Colleague: “I’d like a veggie burger meal, please.”

Staff Member: “I’m sorry we’ve run out of veggie burgers.”

Colleague: “Okay, what else do you have that’s vegetarian?”

Staff Member: “We’ve got chicken burgers.”

Colleague: “…”

This story is part of the Burger roundup!

Read the next Burger roundup story!

Read the Burger roundup!