(I am a very tiny, lightly built person who clearly does not need to lose weight. I’m waiting for a phone call from a place I’m trying to get into and notice that I missed a call while I was in the bathroom. Thinking it’s the call I’m waiting for, I call it back. Instantly I realize with dismay that I’ve just called a telemarketer, but before I can hang up, an actual person answers.)

Telemarketer: “Good evening. Are you calling back in regards to a phone call?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. I was just wondering who called me.”

Telemarketer: “Oh, well we’re [Company] and what we’re trying to do is [goes off on a spiel describing a weight loss supplement that they want to pay me to test and how much I can lose on it]. So, how much weight do you want to lose?”

Me: “Well, actually, I don’t want to lose any weight. I’m only 112lbs.”

Telemarketer: *laughing* “Okay, well, we don’t want you to disappear, then. Goodbye!”

(She was very polite the entire time and something about that last comment, combined with her politeness, made me really laugh once I’d hung up.)

(The usual “Your computer has a virus” scammer calls my work mobile phone. Unfortunately for him, he could not have picked a worse target.)

Scammer: “This is [Name] from Microsoft; we have noticed your PC has a virus.”

Me: *panicky* “What? WHAT? Oh, no, please don’t say… Please, not again. What happened to the others?”

Scammer: “Yes, it has a virus.”

Me: “My boss will kill me if I nuked the malware storage again; please don’t say they’re gone!”

Scammer: *slowly getting a bit insecure* “No… no damage has been done yet, but…”

Me: “Then why do you say there’s only one virus left on my machine? If there’s only one virus on my machine, I have a big problem. What happened to the other samples?”

Scammer: *clearly a little confused* “Why… No, no, there are many viruses on your machine!”

Me: *breath of relief* “Dude, don’t shock me like this! But why are you calling me when everything’s all right?”

Scammer: *now absolutely confused* “No, it’s not right. There are many viruses on your machine!”

Me: “Yes. I sure hope so.”

Scammer: “Why would you WANT a virus on your machine?”

Me: “Because we’re an anti-virus research company.” *click*

(This happens during my second week as an administrator of a small firm.)

Me: *answering phone* “Good morning, [Office]. [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: *in a very annoyed tone* “I need to speak with [Accountant Coworker] about our bill. It’s not correct.”

Me: “I’m very sorry to hear that. I’ll transfer you to [Accountant Coworker] immediately.”

(I transfer the call, and although my coworker is at the opposite end of the office, it is very quiet and she speaks loudly, so I can hear everything.)

Coworker: “[Accountant Coworker] speaking… Oh, hi, [Caller]. How are you…? Oh! I’m sorry to hear that. Let me check your bill in the system… Yes… Yes, I see the problem. We got this new girl in the office, and clearly she made a mistake… Yes, she’s been messing everything up… Oh, I’ll tell her! I’ll make sure she doesn’t do it again…”

(The conversation continues for a while and I’m absolutely mortified. I’ve received nothing but positive feedback since I started, and to top it off, billing is not part of my job; only the accountant does that! The call ends, and the accountant walks over to my desk, apparently unaware that I could hear her.)

Coworker: “You wouldn’t believe the call I just had! Someone from [Client] called, and she is always so nasty! She wanted us to include extra paperwork justifying last month’s bill, but she never asked for it, so of course I didn’t include it! I gave her a piece of my mind! I told her that her request isn’t standard practice, and if she wants something special she needs to tell me next time! Isn’t that unbelievable?”

Me: *utterly shocked that she not only blamed me for a mistake I didn’t make, but is lying to my face about what she said* “Oh, yeah… unbelievable is right.”

(It’s only been a few weeks and unfortunately this isn’t an isolated incident. I know who I need to keep an eye, and an ear, on in the office!)

(I work in a tech call center. I had another tech stand up and ask who has been working with a site. He starts in with the old classic:)

Coworker: “Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?”

Me: “I think it’s his day off.”

(I am calling the customer service line to ask a question about a product they were advertising.)

Me: “I’m calling about [Product]. Your web site says that it comes in black/yellow but the picture of the item looks like it has a little black, some yellow, and is mostly gray. Is that right or is it a bad picture?”

Rep: “Well the product is listed as black and yellow.”

Me: “Yes, I know that’s what your web site says but the picture looks gray. Is the main color black or gray?”

Rep: “Let me grab one and check.”

(A minute later…)

Rep: “The main color is light black.”

Me: “Light black is called gray.”