(I receive a call on my cell phone.)

Caller: “Hello! This is [Name] with Publisher’s Clearing House, and we’re calling to tell you that you have won a large sum.”

(I immediately know this is a scam, so I decide to mess with him.)

Me: *pretending I’m really excited* “OH, my GOD, REALLY?!”

Caller: “Yes, you have won a large sum, and in order to collect it—”

Me: “HONEY!” *I call out like I’m doing it across the house, even though my wife is right next to me* “Honey, all our money problems are over! I won something from PCH!” *talking to the person on the phone* “Thank you! Thank you! You know, it’s really amazing, isn’t it, that I won this money even though you have to enter all the drawings and I never did?”

Caller: *silence*

Me: *still feigning excitement* “You see, my mom was always the one to enter the drawings, and she never won a thing, so isn’t it incredible that I’ve NEVER spent a dime entering anything and I win the money? Isn’t that just AMAZING?” *I lower my voice to one of mocking consideration* “You know, it’s almost like this isn’t really a call from Publisher’s Clearing House, but instead someone trying to scam me out of—”

Caller: *click*

(I haven’t heard from them since.)

(I’m working in a stable with Arabian show horses. My coworker and I are grooming some of the horses.)

Coworker: “The last show I went to, there were some horses there that looked just wonderful. I asked the owner how she got their coats so shiny.”

Me: “Uh-huh.”

Coworker: “She said she just used lots of elbow grease.”

Me: “Mmmm…?”

Coworker: “You should have seen the looks I got in the drug store when I went in and asked where they kept the elbow grease.”

(My friend and I are standing in the fast food line during lunch. There are two lines, and we are in the one with the cashier who is notorious for being slow.)

Friend: *holding dollar bill in front of cashier*  “Can I get a [Sports Drink]?”

Cashier: “No. You only have $0.25 on your account.”

Friend: “How much is a [Sports Drink]?”

Cashier: “$1.25.”

Friend: “If I give you this dollar, I should have enough.”

Cashier: “No, you won’t.”

Friend: “A dollar plus twenty-five cents is $1.25.”

Cashier: *skeptical* “We’ll just see about that.”

(She accepts the dollar, but doesn’t admit she was wrong. She gave him a bottle of water. At least now we know why that line is so slow.)

(I work in Switzerland as a nanny. I’m an American, and although I know some German, it is still difficult for me. I am riding the bus home late one night, and miss my stop. It’s a small village, and none of the other bus stops are anywhere near my house. I stay on the bus until it gets to the next train station, hoping I can catch a different bus or train home. I flag down a train conductor, as they all speak English.)

Me: “Excuse me. I just took the bus from Chur, but I need to get to [Village]. Are there any other buses or trains going that way tonight?”

Conductor: “No, there aren’t any more trains or buses going that way until tomorrow morning.”

(One of the bus drivers overhears us, and approaches.)

Bus Driver: “You need to get to [Village]? I just drove the bus through there. You should have said something.”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I’m not very familiar with the route, and my German isn’t very good.”

Bus Driver: “Come with me. Tell me where you need to go, and I’ll drive you there.”

(So, the two of us got back on the bus, and he drove me back to my village. We chatted on the way over, and he even offered to drive me all the way to my house, but the narrow roads wouldn’t have allowed it. This kind man took an extra half hour out of his night to help me, even though it meant he’d be getting home well after midnight.)

(My friends and I are seeing Star Wars at a theater where you could reserve your seats. We walk up to the box office to order our tickets.)

Me: “Uh, five for Star Wars in IMAX 3D.”

Ticket Worker: “Okay…” *presses some buttons on the computer in front of her* “Do you guys want the G-spots?”

(My friends start losing their minds.)

Me: *holding back tears* “The what, now?”

Ticket Worker: “The spots in row G, in the middle of the theater. Close enough so it’s not small, far enough so you don’t have to bend your head up—”

(Her coworker is in stitches.)

Ticket Worker: “What’s so funny about— Oh. Oh, my god.” *starts laughing, too* “I should have realized.”

Me: “It’s all right. We’ll take the G-spots!”